gggggsssssggggg gggggsssssggggg gggggsssssggggg gggggsssss$$$$$ $$$$$ $$$$$ $$$$$ $$$$$ $$$$$ $$$$$ $$$$$ $$$$$ gggggsssss$$$$$ $$$$$sssssggggg $$$$$ $$$$$ $$$$$ $$$$$ $$$$$ gsssssssssg $$$$$ $$$$$ $$$$$ $$$$$ $$$$$ $$$$$ $ at ITIC $ $$$$$ $$$$$ $$$$$ $$$$$ $$$$$ $$$$$ $$$$$ $$$$$ $$$$$ $$$$$ $$$$$ $$$$$ ggggg ggggg $$$$$ $$$$$sssss$$$$$ $$$$$sssss$$$$$ $$$$$sssss$$$$$ $$$$$sssss$$$$$ sssssssss $$$$$ sssssssss $$$$$ c a n ' t r e a d i t ? t h e n y o u c a n d i e ! @ # ! 2599?? ALRIGHT!@# LIVE T-FILES WITHOUT A SPELLCHECKER. 2599.5 -:- "Live at IThinkICon" -:- 7/11/99 ITIC had the following attendees: Miasma, Jubjub, Nybar, TanAdept, Styx, AltRocks, Cap'n Sparky, Firewater, The Jester, Phairgirl, Hardcore, Six, Mogel, AIDS, Hawk, DB70, PezMonkey, AnonGirl, Art, Caitlin, Caitlin's Mom, Tasha, Belial, Grey Hawk, Mindcrime, beXy, Trilobyte, Tortoise, Ashtray Heart, Darwin, Kaia, Anjee, Anjee's Dad, Teerts, Neko, Jamesy, Swiss Pope, Quarex, Kasey, and Seaya. Sheesh. `'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`' meow meow! This is anna! I drool. I'm orange. I am going to ITIC! This is going to be fun! I will be petted by lots of people and I will be able to knock lots of things over! meow! I'm laying in a hotel room right now in pittsburgh! With phairgirl, tanadept, and jamesy! jamesy's feet smell! phairgirl is yelling "SUCK IT!" meow meow! I'm scabby cat! blahgghgh! I have a kitty story to tell you! on the way here, we had a friend in pennsylvania! but this friend tried to get in our car so we had to lock the doors! but before that, we went through ohio! no one lives in ohio, which is why their roads are so nice! and then hroses came! hroses is evil! he tried to drown me, and i'm not even a flower! did you know that a person that is 6'3" is also 2'51"? `'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`' Files should really have TWO intros! This is the second one. This is 2599.5!@$!@ We are in Pittsburgh! Actually, it is CRANBERRY, which is like cran-kitty! Meow. Where in the world is a giant reef? I think it's in Australia, because they are upside down. The great barrier is a reef, and it's like a firewall, but it is all bubbleheaded! `'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`' "why comedy central isn't funny" -by jamesy comedy central isn't funny. I think you know why. I think you've seen it, and you've said to yourself, "wow, this really isn't funny." and you were right. but, for your enjoyment, because you enjoy agreeing with me, i will explain the reasons I believe comedy central isn't funny. 1: Win Ben Stein's money. what an absolute awful show. ben stein is really not very funny at all. "hello, i am ben stein, if you find monotomy funny, you will find me funny." 2: whatever this fucking game show that is on now. this is just as stupid as ben stein's money, only it's just called 'vs' or something. And figure skaters are fighting hockey players. or something. yawn. the only comedy in this is the name of the topics, which in no way make this show worth watching. 3: all the awful standups. now, I like stand up, and apparently most comedy central users do, otherwise they wouldn't play it so damn much. but, they make the mistake of overplaying each and every standup too many times, and each standup (aside from maybe janene garafalo) never really changes their act all that much. e.g. "hi, i am the redneck guy." e.g. "hi, i am the jewish woman." e.g. "hi, I am the asian woman who never gets any" e.g. "hi, i'm the guy with the friend bob-in-the-devil-mask joke that I always end with" e.g. "hi, I'm bill mahr, and I'm not funny." 4: the daily show - the new daily show is pretty unfunny. It wasn't perfect with craig kilborn, but at least craig was a bit charismatic and could get away with getting a mediocre joke to work. Jon Stewart can't pull that off. and when they actually have a funny guest, jon stewart doesn't know what the hell to do with them. The only thing that makes the daily show even worth stopping at and browsing while channel flipping is the gay film critic. 5: The kids in the hall - obviously the funniest thing ever on comedy central. but now I can't figure out when the hell they put it on?? is it on at like sunday at 10am? or something that stupid? 6: Absolutely fabulous: OH MY GOD. FUCKING KILL ME. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST. UGH. YOU FUCKING PEOPLE AND YOUR BRITISH HUMOR. SUCK MY COCK. `'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`' "why the bible is funny" - by tanadept My favorite verse of the bible is Proverbs 26:11, "As a dog returns to his vomit, so does the fool return to his folly." My second is Proverbs 26:3, "A whip for the horse, a bridle for the ass, and a rod for the fool's back." Anyway, the bible is funny because it's a whole lot of different things all stuck together. It's at least an urban legend that a joint rolled with the paper from a Gideon's bible doesn't taste very good. So, yes, there is a delightful mix of variety in the bible. We have everything from suggestions on how to live one's life, to the creation of the world, to a vision of the end of the world marked by two-thousand-year-old numeracy. Leviticus 26:13 says "And if a man also lie with mankind, as he lieth with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination: they shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them." If you need to be intolerant of something, the bible's there to provide. Well, basically, all I wanted to do with this article was mention Proverbs 26:11, since it's my favorite. That'll be enough for now. `'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`' "why the bible is funny" - by tanadept (edited by jamesy) My favorite verse of the bible is Proverbs 26:11, "As a dog returns to his vomit, so does the fool return to his folly." The bible didn't realise that mage can help, though. Or that Shakespeare would typically use the fool to give the audience an important insight into the characters, or into events to come. My second is Proverbs 26:3, "A whip for the horse, a bridle for the ass, and a rod for the fool's back." I bet AIDS would like to be the fool, in this case. Anyway, the bible is funny because it's a whole lot of different things all stuck together. Unfortunately, they're not stuck together with perl. It's at least an urban legend that a joint rolled with the paper from a Gideon's bible doesn't taste very good. So, yes, there is a delightful mix of variety in the bible. We have everything from suggestions on how to live one's life, to the creation of the world, to a vision of the end of the world marked by two-thousand-year-old numeracy. In fact, I think I'd say that the bible and aster have a lot in common. The Bible: chickens are for humans. Aster: heys fer hroses The Bible: the end of the world will come Aster: the sky is falling! The Bible: don't look back, or you'll turn into salt! Aster: asfdljasdlgjaerw;lkjwlrkejsaldkjfasklejrwe So, as you can see, the bible was written with aster in mind. Leviticus 26:13 says "And if a man also lie with mankind, as he lieth with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination: they shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them." If you need to be intolerant of something, the bible's there to provide. I personally like to be intolerant of caitlin, because she says she wants to break her cat's ribs. Well, basically, all I wanted to do with this article was mention Proverbs 26:11, since it's my favorite. That'll be enough for now. `'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`' "HOE the gathering" - by Jamesy Jamesy: 7uud8 (7 cards to start, untap, upkeep, draw and end up with 8 cards) play p166 done (7) g0ff: 7uud8 play Litter Box fill litter box play Orange Cat (Pet Orange Cat to put a Fur token into play/This may be done on the same turn Orange Cat comes into play/During each upkeep, remove a happiness counter from Orange Cat. If you cannot remove happiness counter, Orange Cat bites Colleen/Orange Cat comes into play with 2 happiness counters/Pet cat to destroy target computer of 200 MHz or less) 2/2 pet Orange Cat done (6) Jamesy: 7uud8 play p166 click p166, p166 to play Warcraft 2 networked game (2: win at Warcraft 2 to prevent 1 lamer point to any zine in play) done (6) g0ff: 6uud7 play covered litter box fill litter box, covered litter box play super ball (throw super ball and any Cat to place Happiness counter on Cat) /25 cents couldn't be better spent/ pet Orange Cat done (5) jamesy: 6uud7 play animal shelter (1: during upkeep, choose sleepy kitty without any tag counters. sleepy kitty cannot rest as normal during that player's untap phase.) click p166, p166 to play Y0LK (1/1 zine: summon zine: *2* write zine issue to bring a 0/1 zine groupie into play) done (5) g0ff: 5uud6 send Orange Cat to bite p166 Jamesy: since I don't have any fences to keep the cats away from my computers, the attack goes through unblocked play Food Bowl fill Food Bowl, play Heat Vent fill Litter Box, open Heat Vent, play Scratching Post (Pet any Cat and sacrifice Scratching Post to add three happiness counters to Cat) done (3) jamesy: 5uud6 play p166 click p166 to play extreme overclocking (sorcery: sacrifice p166 to click the equivalent of 5 computers) play AIBO (5clicks, summon electronic dog: 6/4: during untap phase, click 1 computer or AIBO does not untap. AIBO cannot be blocked by cats.) done (3) g0ff: 3uud4 pet Orange Cat, sacrifice Scratching post for three happiness counters fill litter box, fill food bowl, play Hairball Coagulant (*1*: remove a Fur counter from any cat to put a 0/2 Hairball token into play) /*cough* *cough* Are you okay? Yeah, it's just MY HAIRBALL/ open Heat Vent use Hairball Coagulant to bring out Hairball take one point of Anna Burn done (3) jamesy: 3uud4 play a4000 (click to add one computer click OR click to stick your penis into another woman) click a4000, p166 to use Y0LK and send 0/1 zine groupie into play Bark with AIBO g0ff: block AIBO with Hairball done (3) g0ff: 3uud4 fill food bowl, open heat vent play Heat Vent open Heat Vent, play Trilobyte (DCC Trilobyte to take control of target Amiga/ Return Amiga if Trilobyte closes DCC or goes offline/ You may choose not to close DCC to Trilobyte during your upkeep) fill litter box, play ISDN Modem (ISDN Modem comes into play with two B Channel counters/ Remove a B channel counter and dial ISDN Modem to enable a target Writer to act on turn it comes into play) /Bandwidth sure is 'leet!/ Dial ISDN modem for Trilobyte DCC Trilobyte to control A4000 done (1) jamesy: 3uud4 play p166 click p166 to play PBX access (artifact: 0: use PBX to access/click 2 computers. IF there are any FEDS in play, bury PBX access immediately.) done (2) g0ff: 1u (leave Trilobyte in DCC) ud2 fill food bowl, fill litter box, open heat vent, play That Darn Cat (Legendary Cat: pet That Darn Cat to kill any Hacker in DCC) 3/3 fill covered litter box, play Kitten (1/1) /Women of earth, stop eating the cats/ done (0) jamesy: 2uu d3 play p166 click p166, p166 to play Guido Sanchez (Summon artifact zine writer / Hacker: 8/8 first hack: Guido Sanchez does not wake up as normal during your untap phase. If you wish to wake up gweeds, gweeds steals 5MBs of your warez. This deletion cannot be prevented. /* gweeds sucks! if you see him, BLAST him! */ Attack with AIBO g0ff: Let AIBO bite me done (1) g0ff: 0u (leave trilo in DCC) ud1 pet That Darn Cat to kill gweeds bounce Super Ball and pet Orange Cat to place happiness counter on Orange Cat fill food ball, open heat vent, play Faeden (Legendary Cat: *1* You may redirected any amount of damage done to Faeden to yourself) 1/3 done (0) jamesy: 1uud2 play p166 click p166, p166, p166 to play Mr. TanAdept (summon zine writer/programmer: 3/3: TanAdept can code to give any zine +1/+1. TanAdept cannot block cats.) Attack with AIBO g0ff: let himm through done (0) g0ff: 0u (leave trilo in DCC) ud1 bounce Super Ball and pet Orange cat to place happiness counter on Orange Cat click A4000, fill covered litter box, litter box, play Mad Iguana (Summon Iguana: Pet and Sacrifice Mad Iguana to destroy target Dog) 2/1 Dial ISDN Modem for Mad Iguana Sacrifice Mad Iguana to destroy AIBO done (0) jamesy: 0uud1 click p166, p166, p166 to play King Trent (summon BBSer: 3/2: King Trent gets a +3/+0 bonus if MO is in play.) done (0) g0ff: 0u (leave Trilo in DCC) ud1 bounce ball, pet Cat Attack with Faeden and Kitten jamesy: block faeden with zine groupie kitten gets through. ouch, kitty, that hurts! done (1) jamesy: 0uud1 play p166 click p166, p166, p166, p166, use PBX to use Y0LK and bring 3 zine groupies in play done 0 g0ff: 1u (leave Trilo in DCC) ud2 bounce ball, pet cat open heat vent, click A4000, play Line Noise (*2*: Do 1 point of lameness to all Scene characters) open heat vent, use Line Noise. <3 zine groupies, Y0LK are buried. Mr. Tanadept is hurt for 1 point of lameness> attack with Faeden and Kitten jamesy: block kitten with King Trent fill food bowl, covered litter box, litter box cast Purr From Beyond (Target character gains X power) on Kitten done (0) jamesy: 0uud1 play dirty litter pan done (0) g0ff: 0u (leave Trilo in DCC) ud1 bounce ball, pet cat play k5-133 done (0) jamesy: 0uud1 click p166, p166, p166, dirty litter pan to play I HAVE Y0R CAT on Faeden (Enchant Cat: take control of target cat. Target cat is returned to owner if I HAVE Y0R CAT is removed from play.) done (0) g0ff: 0u (leave Trilo in DCC) ud1 bounce ball, pet cat click k5-133, A4000, fill litter box, open heat vent, play Flying Pig (4/4 Flying) / "Oink!" - Pam / done (0) jamesy: 0uud1 click p166, p166, p166, p166, use PBX, smell dirty litter box to play Lord of the Warez (summon demon, 7/7 flying: sacrifice a cat to lord of the warez each turn during upkeep or lord of the warez steals 7MB from you.) done (0) g0ff 0u (leave Trilo in DCC) ud1 bounce ball, pet cat done (1) jamesy: 0uu (sacrifice faeden to Lord of the warez!) d1 Attack with Lord of the Warez g0ff: block with Flying Pig click p166, p166, p166, p166, use PBX, smell dirty litter box to play meany cat (1X: summon meany cat: X/1 where X == 6) done (0) g0ff 1u (Trilo) ud2 fill litter box, open heat vent, play Scratching post pet cat and sacrifice scratching post done (1) jamesy: 0uu (sacrifice meany cat to lord of the warez) d1 play p166 Attack with Lord of the Warez, Mr. TanAdept g0ff: No blocks. I lose (-3) jamesy wins!@$ `'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`' "my big scary dream" by phairgirl I fell asleep, I'm not sure when. I was a teacher, and I was outside monitoring a protest, which for some reason, had to do with school. There were non-abortion people on one side of the street, and happy-abortion people on the other. Even though I was a teacher, I was still me. I hated them all and wanted them to destroy each other in a very bloody manner. One really huge boy dressed in turquoise was wearing a Jabba the Hut mask, which technically I suppose was more like a helmet. But since I've never seen any Star Wars movies, I kept calling him Obi Wan Kenobi because that's the only one I could remember. There was a girl I knew from eighth grade who was there. Her name was Teddy. She had been a subject of wonderful joking for years because she had massive nasty whore sex with EVERYONE. Some equally icky-looking girl started lambasting her for having an abortion. And then, they all started running towards the street to march, at which point I remarked, "This isn't very cool. Dammit." Actually, it was really cool because violence could finally ensue, but I was a TEACHER, so I had to be pissed off. I was nearly trampled by angst-ridden young girls, so I pulled their hair as they ran by. One of the other teachers made me some pizza and had sex with a student on the hood of a car. At this point, I was really thirsty, and I decided I wanted a WhipperSnapple. However, the EVIL MACHINE ATE MY MONEY AND DID NOT SPIT OUT THE SNAPPLE IN RETURN! It would not even tip to the side because the machine weighs approximately 92398752987 pounds! Then g0ff and Jamesy and I left the evil rest stop and kept driving. Wait a second, that's not right, that part is real! My dream is real! Wow, I am a teacher! `'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`' "you're so lame" -by Carly Simon You're so lame I bet you thought this zine was about you you're so lame that's all the lyrics I remember of my song because I'm a stupid whore. `'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`' "The day angsty vampires went to Mars" by Tan Adept In the year 1650, there were many angsty and gothic vampires around, mostly clustered in Europe. Some liked to go to the Inbase Discoteque, and others liked to just go into the sewers and pretend they were counting sheep. While normal people had not yet invented discoteques, vampires had because they had a lot of angst and superhuman intelligence. There were four major clans of vampires active at this time. There was the Toreador clan who wore toreador pants and Mickey Mouse hats. They worshipped Mickey Mouse as the one true god. They were the least angsty of the vampires around. The next most angsty clan of vampires was the Pander. They came up with many ideas when water was thrown upon them. However, a few of them simply showed their breasts to everyone around. More ansgsty than them were the Followers of Set. They were quite angsty because they were looking for alien life. They searched for extraterrestrials in various locations. The most angsty of all vampires was the Malkavian clan. They were ansgty because people often put them inside of asylums, thinking they were people who thought they were vampires. This irony was particularly frustrating to the Malkavians. One day, the Followers of Set looked at their calculations. The sequence of numbers "2, 5, 1, 5, 0, 4, 9" was being continually sent in binary from Mars. They'd never expected to find alien life so close, and they were overjoyed. Their angst ratings were immediately reduced to nil, and they all experienced inner peace. The other vampires became even more angsty because of an entire clan becoming non-angsty all at once. However, they were all too stupid to understand the Followers of Set's astronomical tables. They did make out the last part which was "Aliens are on Mars." They used their superhuman speed, superhuman strength, and superhuman presence to leap all the way to Mars. They did need some aid from bats to make it, but they got there. On Mars, there were many aliens, and the vampires all sucked their blood. Eventually, with all the vampires around, the aliens were nearly wiped out. Over the course of the next hundred years, the entire population of aliens on Mars had been wiped out. There was no water around, no Disney stores, and no asylums, so the vampires all became overcome with angst. In fact, they were so angsty that they all turned into red dust, leaving behind only a legacy of legends, twisted into inaccurate tales over the generations. `'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`' "caitlin dalfner, laster tagger extrordinaire" - by jamesy codewarrior: *ZAP!* caitlin: *ZOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!* codewarrior: *KKKKKKKKZAPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!* caitlin: *VOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMAMAMAMAMAMVOOOOOOOOOOOOM ZOOM*! codewarrior: *PSHEW PSHEW PSHEW PSHEW PSHEW!* caitlin: *ZOWIE!* codewarrior: doh! you got me! caitlin: hehehehehe ;P~ `'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`' "THAT DARN CAT" by Some Guy On Another Board (THAT DARN CAT) SOMETIMES LIFE IS JUST THE WAY IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE SOMETIMES EVERYTHING GOES TO THE DOGS PEOPLE CALLING OUT HIS NAME LIKE HE'S SUPPOSED TO CARE THEY CALL HIM THAT DARN CAT (THAT DARN CAT) CALL HIM TILL YOU'RE BLUE BUT DON'T EXPECT HIM TO RESPOND (THAT DARN CAT) EVEN THOUGH IT'S YOU HE'S STILL A CAT (THAT DARN CAT) WHAT WOULD YOU HAVE HIM DO, GO CHASE A STICK DOWN ON THE LAWN? (THAT DARN CAT) IF YOU WANT YOUR SHOES GO GET A LAB (THAT DARN CAT) CATCH HIM IF YOU CAN, YOU KNOW YOU'RE JUST A MAN THAT IS THAT DARN CAT (THAT DARN CAT) IF YOU ARE A MOUSE YOU BETTER RUN BACK TO YOUR HOLE (THAT DARN CAT) IF YOU ARE A DOG YOU'D BETTER HIDE (THAT DARN CAT) HE'S GOT SHARPER CLAWS THAN TEETH AND TONS OF SELF-CONTROL MOST OF ALL THE CAT HAS GOT HIS PRIDE!!!!!!!!!!!! HE'LL NEVER LEAVE YOUR SIDE OR POUT OR WORK FOR FOOD FOR THAT'S NOT THAT DARN CAT YOU CAN YELL OUT ALL YOU WANT, SAY, "HERE KITTY!!!!!!!!!!" JUST BE SURE YOU'VE GOT SOME TUNAFISH LIVES THE LIFE HE LIKES, HE LETS YOU THINK THAT YOU'RE THE MAN BUT YOU KNOW HE'S THAT DARN CAT (THAT DARN CAT) THAT IS THAT DARN CAT (THAT DARN CAT) OH WELL TO THAT DARN CAT (THAT DARN CAT) SO LONG TO THAT DARN CAT (THAT DARN CAT) SO LONG `'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`' "CatMUD" -by Envy-Meowku You are in a forest. there are trees here. To the west you see a wall of death. There are exits to the north and northwest. > look up Above you, you see a spooky kid. > mock spooky kid "Teenage Social Urges..." > inv Your inventory: A big stuffed cat, That Darn Cat CD, A parrot, a bone, a bananna, a phone, and 251 gold > N You are in a forest. All around you are trees. There is a taco pizza on the ground here. > get taco pizza OK. > sleep 1 > look You are in a forest. All around you are trees. There is a taco pizza on the ground here. > get taco pizza OK > quit $ vi pizza.pl #!/usr/bin/perl open(MUD, "|telnet meow.obscurity.net:6000"); while () { if ($_ =~ /^\>/) { print "get pizza"; sleep 1; } } ^X Save file? YES Filename: pizza.pl $ chmod 755 pizza.pl $ ./pizza.pl ^C^C^C^C^C^C^C^C^C^C^C^C^$ $ $ $ $ telnet meow.obscurity.net 6000 Connecting to meow.obscurity.net... Connected to meow.obscurity.net. Welcome to catMUD! user: naughtykitty password: ****** Welcome to catMUD! 2 new news(s) since your last login. > inv Your inventory: A big stuffed cat, That Darn Cat CD, A parrot, a bone, a bananna, a phone, 39282881912349 taco pizzas, and 251 gold > eat taco pizza OK. > inv Your inventory: A big stuffed cat, That Darn Cat CD, A parrot, a bone, a bananna, a phone, -12941238518712478 taco pizzas, and 251 gold > look You are in a forest. All around you are trees. There is a taco pizza on the ground here. There is exits to the south and the west. > w You are at the wall of death. You have a bad feeling. Faeden is here. > pet faeden Faeden purrs. > attack faeden You hit faeden with your katana and ***DECIMATE*** him for 251 damage! > attack faeden Faeden swings its catsclaw at you and ***DISINTEGRATES*** you for 5049 damage! *** YOU DIE! *** Connect closed by foreign host. $ telnet meow.obscurity.net 6000 Connecting to meow.obscurity.net... Connected to meow.obscurity.net. Welcome to catMUD! user: new Welcome to catMUD! as a user of catMUD, we expect you to follow some simple rules. They are as follows: 1. Don't attack the cats. We hope you enjoy catMUD! ^] telnet> close $ kill -9 -1 *** YOU DIE! *** `'`'`'`'`'`''`'`'`'`'`''`'`'`'`'`'`''`'`'`'`'`'`' "A Moment In Time" by Mogel there is a picture of my crotch because it looks so good he threw her in the shower he was my roommate that was spankin' the girl from jamaca this is the view outside of my apartment there are mountains in new jersey okay drew can't get it up this is the night after my party excuse me you guys are m a k i n g muc h to o muc h noi se how many hours did you drive on tuesday don't you live in chicago then i drove to then i petted and they're going to bust down my door and oh by the way the suites only have one bed. `'`'`'`''`'`'`'`'`''`'`'`'`'`'`''`'`'`'`'`'`''`'`'`'`'` Packed somewhere - by caity's mom Fuck now I've got rules! I'm the invisible mom who came with no agenda and now know that I have to conform. I will work to remember to strike the enter key at the appropriate time. Now...my entire mindframe has been adjusted by rules I will strive to overcome my internal stress and again re-express that I cam with no agenda and have many internet friends of my own that I travel the continent to meet and enjoy. I understand the sense of community that you have created and are looking forward to meeting and embracing the friendships and warmth that you are enjoying..and traveling with. NOW...I will go back to my room and caress the space that I've brought with me...bye `'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`' Violence is always the answer - by miasma Fucked up fucked down murdered aliens and garbage cans silent geeks our biggest fans Slam this but speak that i have travelled miles upon miles to look for slightly broken smiles From france motherfucker Europe Afghanistan Dubuque Drinking euphoria till we puke Eating pancakes from a bag being raped by dogs from behind never ever fucking say we never dined girls of the earth stop eating the cats formed like voltron never here before I was gone Violence is always the answer in a world based on rape and cheese Get down and pray, bitch, on your knees. `'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`' Penises and Vaginas, an Essay by Nybar the Cat and JubJub the Iguana Ok, this is it. I am going to end all of the lying that has pockmarked my 'zine life up to this point. I am going to come clean with you all. I am going to give you the shocking truth behind the man, the cat, Nybar. Love me or hate me, this is me. The truth is: I have the largest penis you've ever seen. In addition to this, I'm the nicest, most talentest, KEWLEST person around. Seriously. Won't find anyone more hard-core then me. Even hardk0re isn't as hardk0re as me, motherfucker. I think this metaphoric journey into the dark underbelly of my home-ground, Manhattan will explain it all: When Rich woke up that morning, he knew it would be the last day of his life. He was wrong. He was often wrong. For he was a retard. He lived with his senile grandparents, Grendel and Gwyndo. Grendel often spoke of how she would destroy any motherfucker that stepped to her, herself being the baddest motherfucker on the whole block. Gwyndo was constantly swigging wine, smoking (14 cigs an hour) and masturbating (one ejaculation an hour). More about Rich: a 400-pound retard, drooling and mumbling. He was mainly pushed about by Gywndo on the sidewalks of Manhattan, who swore at the pigeons, wreathed him in smoke, and occassionaly covered him in semen, which he produced prodigally for an old man. His Latvian business associates used to try to convince him to sell his sperm, but he always grunted about the godlessness of it all. Rich, of course, wasn't a retard. But he enjoyed the royal treatment immensely, and especially loved being a big, fat bastard who could say anything he wanted without the social embarrassment. Before his innovation, which gave him immunity, he had been mercilessly taunted when he was in the seventh grade; something about a shitting of the pants incident. [Editor's note: all the names in the story have been changed.] After that, he went into a sort of withdrawl, a deep depression. Then over the summer he had his innovation. I AM A RETARD! Any medical personality who said he wasn't would catch the reply (from his mother): "You're going to-- -interlude- hi, this is jubjub. nybar had to stop for a minute to argue about the spontaneous uhhh spontaneous .. appearancE of flies. on meat. also. before, nybar said he had the biggest penis. well, i have the biggest vagina because of him. fucker. xz]\\x\sample.avi. ok, here's nybar. --deny this poor, disadvantaged boy of mine, you horrible upholder of the institution? This boy has a DIS-A-BILITY! He...he shits his pants! In class!" This guilt trip generally worked, or the doctors were laughing so hard that they couldn't resist giving the boy his certification. When he was segued back into the "Extra-Special Section" of Eigth Grade, he was a small fish in a microscopic pond. He soon had all the retards doing his bidding. He especially enjoyed the drooly blow-jobs his female friends gave him under his (as he saw it) machiavellian direction. This was about the time he began his eating binge, which so far has continued for 30 years. This was beautfiul, this was his first golden age. The eating was the problem. His parents eventually got tired of bringing him huge tubs of ice cream. So he had to kill them, of course. This made sense, because no amount of migration could upset his domination of all those around him; political correctness had left the modern world unprepared for a creature such as himself. The killing was easy as hell-- he simply set his retard cult to work. The official inquiry was very limited, even though there was probably all kinds of genetic evidence littering the scene; drool, feces and such. But who would suspect an innocent (looking) retard of murdering his parents? Fuck the pigs, Rich thought. After getting good-bye BJs from the local tards, he set out for his new locale. Everywhere they sent him, he found a new cult of mentally disadvantaged people and a new set of disapproving parental figures. He generally stayed a year, then had the figures killed and set out again. Pigs being retards obsessed with victimless crimes, they never saw his trail of violence. Eventually he landed at Grendel and Gwyndo's door. Finally he had found a couple eccentric and out of it enough to tolerate his prediliction towards barking orders (or bubbling them, or whatever is appropriate to the public's perception of retards.) He had entered his second golden age! Best of all, he had a new, larger then ever cult of the retarded... plus he was out of school, so he had more time to get them to do his bidding. Better still, the media wanted to do stories on him up da ying-yang. Yep, his life was really coming together. And it was about to be ripped apart. Meanwhile, in dark chamber, Nybar meditated. A knife flew at the back of his head. He snatched it out of the air between two of his fingers and let it fall to the ground. He was ready. TO BE CONTINUED... `'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`' I used the word "surreal" for the very first time out loud today!' - tasha I planned on writing a novel on my way to ITIC, but I never got around to it. Instead, I colored in this pink coloring pink which was titled, "My Favorite Fairytales," so I'll kind of do that now. I just finished reading a novel by Jack Kerouac, but there's no need to mention which novel it was since there's only one novel by Jack Kerouac that people actually read. (Input: On The Road) So I was inspired to write about my trip to Philadelphia. I guess that's what's considered inspiration. I got the idea from that book! Yes, that's it. We were driving down the road and I saw this sign which said, "Share A Car" and then I really thought of the book by Jack Kerouac. It was a blue sign, blue and such like all good road signs. It had the coloring of this MS-DOS editor, actually. It was all beat up and scuffed silver and metal. I've decided that I need to start, "slummin' it." We drove through the ghetto of Philadelphia. I liked it. A lot. It was all run-down in that beautifully run-down way. I hope there are no urban renewal plans in the works. I wanted to be a photographer when I saw the lady standing in the doorway. She was wearing a bandana and would have made a lovely photo. She wasn't a very lovely lady, though. At least not in that conventional way. I found her lovely, though. Uhm. I really think deciding to write my novel now is a bad idea, because completely confused about what the heck is going on in this room. This room contains exactly: 1 Caitlin 1 Anjee 1 Nybar 1 JubJub 1 thisisart 1 tortoise 1 hardk0re 1 `six` 1 styx 1 miasma 1 TanAdept 1 Ashtray Heart 1 Jamesy 1 tasha I don't know the relevance of that little list, but maybe that means it falls the classification of literature known as "real art." You know, that one type of writing where no one knows what they're writing until it is finished and written and all orf that good stuff. LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA LAAAAAAAAAAAAA LAAAAAAA help. `'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`' "I'm Ashtray Heart" - by Ashtray Heart God, is this laptop hot. Man. OK. Well, I just took a nap for about an hour. I had a dream. I, in fact, dreamed I saw Joe Hill. But that's not all that interesting a story, so I'll save it for another time. What I will share with you is an interesting sociological idea that occurred to me, and you can ponder the ramifications. OK. Theorize that men were born with a penis about three feet in diameter. Like some really damn big salami, or something. Further, let us postulate that women's genitals worked along the lines of a gigantic meat slicer. Say that every sexual act would tear a layer of outer skin off the man's organ, and that after a set amount of copulations- say, give or take two thousand- he would be left entirely memberless. Say that, instead of there being an essentially random chance of pregnancy every time unprotected sex occurred, each layer of skin taken off the man's member would accumulate in the woman, and after a set number of intercourses- say, 100- a child would result. This would mean that each man would have a commensurate genetic contribution to children. Furthermore, let's say that a genetic contribution of more than say 10% by one man would be highly likely to result in genetic disturbances. Down Syndrome, or having two spines, or any number of other freaks of nature. So, the question present is: in such situations, would the pair bond still occur? We're a few hours into this thing, and we're up to about 1000 lines. This has already approached the length of the longest ever issue of "BBS News", and even without the benefit of a long boring article on the history of marijuana, or information about stargazing. If the batteries run out, this thing could swell to novel length by the end of the weekend. And you know what? It would still be better than _Timequake_. Ten goddamned years, ten goddamned years Vonnegut spent writing that piece of crap and we can come out with something vastly superior in three days. OK. Let's give you an update and the social status here. So far we are engaging in various amounts of bad math and spurious accusations of homosexuality. We have also established that everyone here is completely ignorant of both Kurt Schwitters' Ur-Sonata and the Dario Argento movie Suspiria. Aside from me, of course, and I'm not confident enough in my rendition of the Ur-Sonaten to attempt to replicate it here. I myself was the first to arrive. I will not be the last to leave. So the prologue to the con revolves around me, in a sense, in that I showed up in Philly around 9 AM and talked Mogel's ear off about iterations (I love that word. It's so pseudo-intellectual) of the numinous and creating a sense of ritual and sacred space while his parents engaged in some kind of Buddhist ritual. I set forth various loud-mouthed and heretic ideas, which have not abated to this day. Currently we are discussing biblical exegesis, and which pages of the Gideons' Bible works best as rolling papers. Earlier, we discussed simulacra. At some point, we are going to have a Captain Beefheart wank, I am fairly sure. Let me expound a little bit on the implications of my earlier biologically perverse ideas. Or, at least, postulate. Would young or old men be more sexually attractive? Of course, we must postulate that the female anatomy is then able to adapt to accept a three-foot-wide cock, but with everything else I've said that isn't too much to think. How would men's patterns of desire adapt? I would theorize that older women would become more sexually attractive to younger men, in a reversal of today's sociological events. Secondly, we could postulate an increase in oral sex, but I think the shedding of a layer of skin, however painful, would be accepted as an essential part of the sexual process. So masturbation and oral sex would be seen as second-rate to the true and sublime sexual act. Third off, I think women would be a lot more sexually driven than men would. Given a limited number of sexual encounters, men would tend to avoid sex out of a self-preservational instinct. This poses perhaps the greatest perceptual challenge. Birth control would obviously be a radically different proposition. I don't even want to know how it'd work. Somebody else can come up with all that shit. Secondly, what would become of Andrew Lloyd-Webber? It is difficult to really guess. For our part, we can only hope it would be extremely painful. OK. I want to hit line 1000, because I am a selfish bastard. So I will spend a few lines discussing perversions that can be performed with the tiny chairs in the corner of the room, and the nature of eating. Eating in this context is something far better discussed than actually participated in, at least until all the food places are closed. `'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`' "an essay on overpopulation" - by Tasha Uh. I'm Tasha. I feel kind of sick right now because I made the big mistake of taking my daily dosage of toradol. It made me tummysick. Ashtray Heart is so fucking hardcore. I did not realize that Ohio and Pennsylvania are right next to each other. I _KNEW_ that Ohio Pennsylvania are right next to each other, but I did not realize it. Uhm. Maybe later. Jamesy has requested an essay on overpopulation. I will try to rewrite my essay on overpopulation from memory. Here goes: Uh. I don't remember the beginning. The world's population is currently approaching 6 billion people and every second 3 more are added to that number. That's too many people! Teehee! Oh yes. Now that the world has entered an era of women's movements and gay movements and movements of anything that seems to require activism, we are all becoming "humanitarians." So we must leave the era of being humanitarians because we fight for the rights of one specific type of people, we must enter an era in which we fight for the rights and the betterment (is that word) of all mankind. (Or womankind). I hate feminism. Anyway, with the world's population quickly growing, it is becoming more and more, uh, whatever that we should control the fucking population. Family planning!Q!#*%W*(T&!T!Y*!WS*T!*^!W*& Actually, the logical reason to lower or control the world's population would be to KILL A LOT OF PEOPLE and make abortions readiloy available every square mile. But, uh, those one people who make lawswouldn't go for that, so we have to go for family planning. The current world budget on family planning is 3.3 billion, and that is clearly not enough. Many third world countries have a fertility rate of about 6, and the third world mothers mainly say they'd have less children is adequate family planning was available to them. Also, if these people were more assured that they would not need more children to take care of them in their later years, they would have less children. Anyway, uh. I don't want to write this, but Jamesy asked and I'm nice. Anyway, so adequate family planning worldwide would require a budget of about 10 billion dollars, which is actually the amount americans spend on halloween costumes each year. teehee. i'm just so pumped full o' facts!! `'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`' "A retort to an essay on overpopulation." - by jamesy Obviously, overpopulation is not a problem. There are plenty of jujubes and jujyfruits at the Food Stops at gas stations to feed the world. Also, not everyone always wants to eat. These reasons, plus many more, show that overpopulation will not be a problem ever! I was at a lot of rest stops on my way to Philadelphia. And at each of them, they had lots of sugary snacks for me to eat! Not one rest stop I stopped at said, "I'm sorry, we're all out of food!" They *all* had a *surplus*! It was incredible! What other planets do you know about that have rest stops *always* packed with food? That's what I thought! Also, I've noticed that not everyone is even hungry. There are quite a few people in this room right now, in fact, that don't even seem interested in going to get dinner. And it's already 8pm. So obviously we don't need food if we're not hungry! I think this overpopulation propaganda is just another attempt by third world nations to find out the recipe secrets of our Little Debbie's and Tastycakes. `'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`' "My retort to Jamesy's retort" -by tasha overpopulation is not totally about food OR space. according to lindsey grant, author of juggernaut, many people have been fooled into thinking it is the lack of distribution rather than production that leads to world hunger problems. actually, if all of the food that is produced worldwide were equally distributed, everyone would be hungry! and the reason your fucking american restrooms are always stocked is because americans take more food from the world than any other country, regardless of population, size and wealth. tsk tsk. `'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`' "A retort to Tasha's retort to my retort to an essay on overpopulation" - by Jamesy If we can afford to take more food from the rest of the world than any other country, what do we care? I'm going to have 16 children, and each and every one of them will be well-fed because we live in the greatest country in the world. And restrooms don't have food in them, silly. rest stops do! And as for your Lindsey Juggernaut, she's probably 5/3 and cannot be blocked by walls. `'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`' The continuation of this shit I started, oh so long ago -by Nybar, super cool dewd By the time Nybar had begun tracking Rich down in earnest, he was already firmly entrenched in the media zeitgeist. He dished out constant abuse to the reporters, but the naive bastards kept the public image alive of the "happy, retarded cult leader". Except for the "Tard Leads Tart Cult" editorial in The Nation. Nybar, gaining access to Rich's room via a fake press-pass from "The Skokie Times", went about his task quickly and cooly. He knew that Rich wasn't really retarded, but he didn't even suspect the scope of his ambitions. This scope included world domination, but which deranged genius' didn't? Still, he was dangerously close to achieving it, but somewhere down the line the people who exploit sympathy and political correctness run up against an asshole. And Rich had run into this with Nybar. Rich was being pushed about in his wheelbarrow in the moment, his 400 pounds causing it's wheels to creak against the pavement. As he ate his ice cream, he sensed something was amiss. The moment the sensation first hit him, he couldn't place it. This golden-age had lasted so long that he had been lulled into the placidity of routine. But soon it returned to him, his sense of danger which had taken him so far. He told Gyndo to turn the wheelbarrow around. Semen hit his face. He wiped it off with a towel he kept specifically for that purpose, then calmy re-iterated the command, his coolth under pressure only marred by his by-now instinctive slurring of speech (which didn't fit with any disease-profile, but who gave a shit at this point? Gwyndon turned and started back towards the apartment. By this point, Grendel was dead. She had gotten on Nybar's nerves, a fatal career decision. As Rich would learn. Nybar heard a key in the door, so he put down the ice cream (which seemed to be the only thing in the fridge, freezer, cupboards... everywhere!) and prepared to greet his guests. Or hosts... whatever. `'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`' INTERMISSION: Poop -This intermission written by The Jester. Intermission over as dictated by altrocks. Now we shall venture into new territory since I don't feel like reading this fucking huge file by now. By the way... this IS altrocks. okay... ummm.. I just got to the con at like 10. Don't ask why... well you can ask, but depending on my mood I may or may not tell you. Anyway, there are ALOT of people in summer's room and the beer just arrived so I'll stop being a geek and using a computer and start drinking. Ummm... Oink oink... Viva la hoe... you're an asshole.. blah NEXT !!! `'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`' ohio fucking sucks --neko ps: so does new jersey. `'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`' "Stupid perl script by Swisspope" - by Swisspope #!/usr/bin/perl $guy_on_couch="SwissPope" print "This is ${guy_on_couch}!! What's going on?\n"; `dd if=/dev/zero of=/dev/sda1`; print "BWAHAHAHAH FUQA YOU BE DEAD!!!!!!!! UNLESS YOU DON'T HAVE A SCSI DRIVE!!!\n"; `'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`' "I'm still Ashtray Heart" - by Ashtray Heart I am currently writing this in my room, which is very quiet. Loud noises bother me and make me very tired, and everybody is talking in the suite, so I am curled up here in bed writing this longhand. (A guy whose name I forget- the one with the Captain Beefheart bootleg- is typing something up Obviously a kindred spirit.) Perhaps I will type it up later and put it in 2599. I haven't used this kind of pen before. Stole it from work- "Pilot Explorer fine" (as in night train to mundo?) Writes big. Finally found someone who's heard of "Suspiria". Phairgirl has it on video. Understood the hard hat thing perfectly. The room full of barbed wire does a very good job of describing my ethos. Totally unexpected, makes no logical sense whatsover, but is _really_ fucking cool. Question: Why do they pu tthose big-ass mirrors in hotel room bathrooms so you can look at your dick while you pee? Is there some kind of hidden advantage to it I was otherwise aware of? Maybe I'm hopelessly myopic, but you know, I _know_ what my dick looks like already. I don't need to see myself peeing full-length. Have just finished a pint of ice cream. Why do they always give you plastic spoons with Ben & Jerry's? It's a sin against god to eat Ben and Jerry's with plastic spoons, dammit (not to mention _really_ fucking inconvenient). I'm fairly certain it says that in Leviticus somewhere. I'd check the Gideon's, but we've already smoked Leviticus. We're all the way up to fucking Ecclesiastes, for God's sake. We would've smoked that by now, I'm sure, were it not for some nutjob (yes, we're all nutjobs, I'm not good with names) bogarting the fucking thing until he's counted all the punctuation in Ecclesiastes. He's up to about Chapter Ten, and is VERY into it. He's got a little ledger notebook by him in which he makes jots (possibly tittles, also). Periods, semicolons, quotation marks, etc. We'll probably wind up just tearing those pages out, and Song of Solomon along with it, most likely, and skipping straight to Isaiah. I just hope I'm there and conscious when they get up to Revelations. I REALLY want to be smoking Revelations. THE PRECEDING WAS BROUGHT TO YOU BY GRIESEDIK MALT LIQUOR. Griesedik malt liquor: ask for it by name, and you will probably be arrested for lewd & indecent behaviour. SAMUEL L. JACKSON FOR GRIESEDIK MALT LIQUOR. Hi. You might recognize me from such movies as "Pulp Fiction" and "Star Wars: the Phantom Menace". Recently, a good friend came up to me and said, "Samuel, you ain't doing your part." I said to him, "What do you mean? Am I not good to you?" He said, "You have a responsibilitiy of one of the two black men in the entire Star Wars universe. You must kick ass, and you must endorse malt liquor." Well, I am not one to shirk my duties as a black man, so I am proud to endorse Griesedik malt liquor. It goes down smoother than spanking a baby's bottom. Look for it at your local grocery store! Now back to our regular program. I think my next act as the Mature and Responsible ITIC representative (I'd really like to be drinking; they have some neat booze, but I don't think I want to pass out just yet), besides randomly disappearing from the con for hours on end, will be to start whispering in people's ears. I will come up next to them, lean close in their ear, and softly whisper: "Aileron." Perhaps I will floss first. I am now walking past the coke machine. There is a creepy androgynous guy shoving a bottle of coke in my face. I think he is a reject from the "Mentos" ads. Marketers scare me. A card game has broken out. God, it's horrible. People are talking about sex a heck of a lot. They are not actually having sex, as far as I can tell, but they certainly are talking about it. They are also talking about stick-figure pornographic playing cards, courtesy of Phairgirl. The Jester is officially the first one to leave. The official reason is that his dad is an ass. [insert ass.jpg here] We are now in the midst of a heated discussion of area codes. My area code has recently changed. I do not know why. What's with messing people up like that? Like.... some people near me still have the same area code. Ugh. It makes me *SAD* yeah yeah yeah... It however does not make me sad. Well, not very sad, anyway. It's not /my/ area code, is it? NO. IT'S NOT. I presume that I will die before Rockford develops sufficient population surplus to warrant an extra area code. Eight One Five. Eight One Five. Eight One Five. Phil is one of the most incompatible, fucked up, dysfunctional people I've ever met in my life. This was taken as a direct quote from a conversation concerning Murmur and Barb having sex and becoming engaged. Wait, an impression! Haha. That was pretty funny for coming out of a drunken loon. `'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`' OK. Nobody else is keeping up with their end of the "typing" thing. So it looks like I will have to. I have decided to start drinking. I had one sip of gin, decided it was fucking nasty, and am going to pour the rest in the bathroom sink. Gin smells exactly like deep woods off, you know. Do not drink Deep Woods Off. That's my advice. One day I will decide to do something besides talk about Captain Beefheart, but not now. I put a beer in the ice bucket. I'm going to drink that next. Listen. This thing is at fifty K. We have less than forty-eight hours to add another 300K to the document. This is NOT what I would call "progress". Plus, I think that if there's any more sexual innuendo in this file it will self-destruct. That would be a real blow in the face of posterity, I can tell you that right off. Lindsey keeps coming and going. `'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`' 1:51am on Friday Night/Saturday Morning -by miasma We're in Summer's suite right now. It's mad crazy, about 14 chillin in here. Everyone is in their own little conversations.Ashtray Heart is chatting with Lindsey and Matt. Summer right now is making some funky noises. Caity just burped like a man. Anjee is right next to her. Drew is on top of Tashy. And on the couch is Swisspope, Neko, and Audrey. It's like an early morning fog in here. Everyone seems to be having a funky time. I think ill fill this section up more with more stupid ass adjectives. I'm getting pretty tired, and even tho I haven't drunk anything, I am so screwy. We're SO fucking loud. I can't understand why people haven't complained about us yet. SillyCat Comix are being passed around. Tashee want's to type after me. So Ill try to get back to the party. Day 2 will prove to be very interesting. Caity is grabbing her breasts. I'm interested to know why. Me too. Altrocks again. People don't hate me as much in person, cept for caitlin cause I threw a condom at her and art. It was funny and I laughed... Angee's toes are really fucking long... they're almost hands. Leah just came in. She's quite the.. I dunno.. she didn't do anything yet.... I take it she will soon enough. Oh no... she has entered the Land of the unexplored... aka the hopper. :) It is a very very very bad idea to go in there... [refer to phairgirl's video here] Anyway... back to beligerency. `'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`' Amiga Mania -by seaya So I decided to be semi-antisocial at ITIC. I hung out in the Amiga room with Tim and whoever was in there. I don't even remember, I'm so fucking tired. We played several Tetris clones, music programs, and Stunt Driver. Tim has MacOS on there too, it's really fucked up. Then they whipped out the Monopoly, and that's when I left. I am now awaiting Kathy and Rob, if they will show up. Lindz is buff. By the way, I am sober, but tired, so this file is still as fucked up as every one else's. 6'3" is the best height because it is the same as 2'51". g0ff told me that back in the Amiga room. OK, I'm going to bed now. It was fun being an Amiga slut. 251 5049. Maybe I'll write something more coherent later. `'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`' blow by teerts. blow me, please. or not. i am not sober, but that is ok i will still be able to convey my message to you. wow, am i glad i go thru and fix my typos (the ones i care about). anyhooooooooooooooooooooo i'm typing away, molesting ff0g's keys here on his may-sheen. ok so i'm really short and stuff and i love it. however, i'm not really short, though i am below average american male height. do you care? i dont really. when i first walked in the room with jeff (altrocks), i saw lotsa people i did not know. of course, i was shy and stuff. g0ff talks alot, he reminds me of matt b. matt is just like maybe 5-7 years younger, but just like him. it is pretty uncanny...'cept matt listens to bon jovi, and likes it. eww...something like that. anyhoo, another jeff, jeff t. was supposed to quarter me for this weekend but he is a silly bastard and works for some law firm and said "negs, bisnitch. you may not crash at my place for this weekend." and so summer is quartering me cos she kicks ass and stuff...or something. HEY, shut UP!@ dont lissen to me. you bastard. g0ff is reading sillycat comix. it is good. i am hella entertained. m0gel just came in and told us to shut the fuck up. out loud, however, he said "could you guys not yell as much?" he is polite. can i have $100? the door is open, it should be shut. now it is shut. i am happy. but not. ok here we go. mogel just freaked my head, he keeps going. i am afeared. but not. ok so there once was this monkey. he got a spanking for throwing poop. speaking of poop, "i love the 80's." and "i miss skid row." ok, so i dont. caitlin knows how to pee standing up. or so she says...i wonder if she lifts one leg or rather just aims and goes at it. it is loud in here. phil was playing dad and shusssshhhhhhhhhhhing us all night long. now summer keeps shushing people. kinda intrrrrrrrresting how whitenoise makes stoopid people shut up. well, most people, anyway. is this cultural or what? we are kind of trained from babyhoood (werd.) to quiet down due to whitenoise. WHY?~!?@!@?!??!@?!@ i am yelling, but not. anjee just did a split. it is kinda weird, she is weird. she giggles much. is someone reading over my shoulder? NO!@ i thought someone was, though. weeeird, no? wow, i'm typing alot and none of it makes sense, nor does it matter. "i'm gonna poop all over you, chef (something)" reads g0ff outloud from sillycat comix. he is silly. silly people are silly. everyone is silly... jeff is trying a split. he did better than many people expected. he split further than i could have. art just walked in with allkeyholl...mmm....allkeyholl.... ok i should stop typing now. eof. just kidding. i can levitate, you know. i don't show others, though...that would be weird...they'd tell their friends and then people would be like "hey carlos, float!" and i'd be like "umm, shut up. i cannot levitate. fool." that's cause i cannot. `'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`' "blame mr. steev" --phairgirl i am at ithinkicon. i am feeling happy!#@! that is because mr. steev made me hang out with these people. that is very evil and sick and wrong. once upon a time, i was a little girl who went to community college. then, i discovered THE INTERNET. it was a big and frightening place! then one day mr. elledan from #atheism on Undernet told me, "here, ms. phairgirl! since your roommate is schizophrenic and has sex with 13 year old girls and he thinks you brought demons into the apartment, i will give you a URL so that you can keep in touch with us!" so i went to mr. elledan's page, which had a link to www.trog.com/jesus, which i enjoyed very much. after devoutly following that site for at least a year, i decided to click on the LINKS PAGE. i clicked on Silly Cat Comix. I could not read the comix on my webtv because its resolution is that of a pumpkin pie. then one day, i got me a REAL COMPUTER (tm) and revisited the sillycat site at my apartment. i was so amused that i leeched the entire site and saved it to disk! i even printed them all out for my roommates! then another day, i went to the sillycat links page, where i discovered the Doomed to Obscurity e'zine. i read it much. then it disappeared. i was very sad. then YET ANOTHER DAY, i went to dto.net and discovered LINKS to other fun things, like THE OBLOID SPHERE. i posted a jehusically sized retarded letter to mr. jamesy as to why i should be able to post dumb things to the board. I WON!#@! mr. mogely man (who likes captain crunch) said, "hey, come to sunyata bbs! it is fun!" so i did. then i joined #zines one day. then i turned into a flower and a bunch of scary hroses killed me. "did not" "did too" "did not" "did too" "did not" "did too" "YES, OKAY." `'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`' "i am not drunk" - by Tan Adept I drank an alcoholic beverage. It was somewhat tasty. Then I drank another. However, I was not drunk. I am not drunk. However, Summer can't count. Perhaps she is drunk. `'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`' "SwissPope learns french" - by anjee [ The Scene: Phairgirl's suite of love. Characters: TanAdept, Quarex, Ashtray Heart, SwissPope, neko, AnonGirl, jubjub, teerts, phairgirl, Nybar ] SwissPope: sahkraylay bloo! `'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`' "Swusspipe learns more French: The Return to Innocence!" ---0-00-=-=-=- By: Quarex (The Love Machine) [The scene is as above] [PEZMONKEY walks in] PezMonkey: J'TAIME! J'TAIME! J'TAIME! Ashtray Heart: INNA GADDA DA VIDA BABY! [NEKO explodes] Jubjub: Boy, I sure do look like Moby. AnonGirl: This sure is a fascinating room. I like how SwissPope just tried to talk to me and threw up all over my face. Smoking, BRB. Quarex: Dude, this is just like everything else I write. This sucks. G0ff: ONCE AGAIN, THE TIME FOR RECLAMATION IS AT HAND! [QUAREX runs into door, prompting ANJEE to laugh until she throws herself into QUAREX'S waiting arms] Quarex: Sweet. [QUAREX "links" with every girl he can grab, then runs off to find Tasha and do the same] [EXEUNT all but AltRocks] AltRocks: BABABABABA! BABABABAABOOOBOOBOOAOJAK! ALJAKALMALKJNBZBAKH! OIEUROIAHRKJ! GADADABABAB!! GOO But seriously. This is pretty amusing. I love watching people drink. Contrary to popular belief, I am not going to start busting out guns and a knife and executing all these muthafuckaz. Execution style, y'all, dig? Fuckaz. I wish I could type faster on this damb laptop. Lambtop computer. I have a lamb. I am a lamb, in fact. Now, I am cold. There is ice in my crotch. I am sad. :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( =] NO CHICKS. MUST STOP. OH FUK. FUK WHY DAT HO GOTZ TA BE SLEEPING IN MY DAMN ROOM SO I CANNOT GET MY DAMN PHOOD AND SHIT. :( I have learned a few things this evening. One, I can make Anjee laugh a lot. I like making Anjee laugh. She goes "Heeheeheeheeheeheeheeeeee" in a continually rising pitch. It rules. Two, every single person acts exactly how I would have expected. Well, roughly for the most part, anyway. However, I was completely convinced that Miasma was like a really tall guy. That is not entirely accurate. Also, Phairgirl was not nearly as loud as I assumed. Three, I am covered in horrible filth, though at least I am, as always, the only completely sober person. It is really such a good life, ya know. Being the designated everything! Whee! FUCKING WHEE, MOTHER FUCKER. EAT IT. EAT IT. HERE IT COMES. Boy, is it ever late. '`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`''`''`''`''`'`'`''`''`''`''`'`'`''`''`''`''`'`'`''`'`''`''`'`'`''`''`'`''`'`'` "AIDS probably isn't gay" -by Jamesy After checking AIDS out, I've decided there is little to no chance he is gay. Nor is there hardly any chance he is in fact a dog who is going to fuck me up the ass. Contrary to Caitlin's Mom's belief. He dresses like a beastie boy. When was the last time you saw a homosexual dress like a beastie boy? Of course, he's in incognito. Maybe later he'll wear a polki-dotted dress and get smashed by a fat guy. It's possible. It's too bad GrlFrMars isn't here. Oddly enough, after uh like 32 straight hours of being around g0ff, I am not sick of him yet. I have even been sounding like him. A LOT. But I've sounded like murmur and mogel at times, too, so maybe it's just a "turn into morphing mode." Extra oddly enough, both mogel and kaia have taken the computer at times, stared at it blankly for a few minutes, and then handled it off. `'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`' "Let's go to the zoo" - by Jamesy Let's go to the zoo. It's almost light out, and Alternative Rocks Sucks. I bet there are babboons and gorillas and zebras and tigers and babies. I bet aster likes the zoo. I wish aster was here. I'd say, "hey aster!" And you know what she would say? I'm kind of tired, but not tired enough to want to go sleep on a Best Western floor. I do, however, think everyone left the room and went to sleep because they weren't able to get away from Mr. Alternative Rocks. So, since nothing else in this file has been incredibly offensive so far, I think I'll rate all the modem grrls at this con by their tits. Oh, nevermind. You know, I'm really fucking miserable. And it's not just because Alternative Rocks is in this room and keeps talking, but because Styx told me to be miserable. And we all know to listen to styx. Otherwise you might end up dating a guy who plays LASERTAG! `'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`' "the second floor of this hotel" - by Styx originally, the idea for this (conceptualized by jamesy, anjee and i) was that the second floor of the hotel was covered with pillows and you had to walk on them or else you'd fall into lava or outer space or mogel acid. this did not work out. `'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`' "the third floor of this hotel" - by anjee originally, the idea for this (conceptualized by jamesy, styx and i) was that the third floor of the hotel was covered with pillows and you had to walk on them or else you'd fall into lava AND/OR outer space AND/mogel acid. this did not work either. `'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`' "the fourth floor of this hotel" - by Jamesy there is no fourth floor of this hotel. However, if there was, the idea for this (conceptualized by anjee, styx, and I) was that the fourth floor of the hotel was covered with pillows and you had to walk on them or else you'd fall into lava AND/OR outer space AND/OR mogel acid. This worked pretty well, except since this floor did not exist, not many people played this game. Instead, the people who conceptualized this game logged on IRC and played "the robots are coming" with aster. `'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`' "DO U WANNA RIIIIDE?!" - by caitlin first of all, i would like to say "I've got a fuckin' mullet, and i solve criiiiiiiiiiiimes." Anyways.. Today, I have seemed to fallen into a semi- drunken, hazy, misty, redundant haze of happiness. I think it's oh so neat, and texty (credit: phairgirl) that i just want to scream and run around and make sweet love to everyone's legs. Is that a bad thing? I mean, seriously... is this one occasion an excuse to pretend i don't have obligations/promises. Anyways. I am sitting next to the most beautiful girl in the world. Her name is A-N-G-I-E-W-A-H. No, actually, Her name is Angie, and she rocks. I want her to come and visit me sometime in Detroit, because she is like a pseudo-sister to me, in some weird...... twisted...... incestual... way. Today i had a styxhead in my lap. _This_ in all it's glory was the best moment of my life. *OH MAH GODDDDDD* also, one time when i was like 8, there was a huge ant hill on the side of my house, and I went into my house and got a lot of sugar crystals, and sprinkled them like faerie dust around the ant hill hole. All the ants scurried out and formed neat army-like lines to collect these precious sparkling particles of processed sweetness. Yeah, so, that was neat. I wrote a poem today. I had taken about 5 shots of aftershock and it was *setting* in............. Untitled by caitlin beautiful music in my hair singing false phrases over and over I'm singing for lost loves my phallic dreaming always seeming to follow a certain scheme framing the american dream a little girls fantasy falling over and over and over. `'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`' My ITIC Experience -jubz Hi. I have some advice for all of you. Don't do a powerful hallucinogen in a hotel full of insane modem geeks and scurrying maids. Also, people's moms walking around with fiery purple hair, what's up with that? Ok, that's all i have to say for now. =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= DARWIN JUST WALKED INTO THE FUCKING ROOM OR: The Fifth Floor of this Hotel By: Quarex Time for lust, time for lies, time to kiss your life goodbye! FUCK YOU! I, personally, did want Ingy to come to the con, so I could meet this person I randomly talked to a week or two ago on the phone. After all, I paid about $20 for the right to talk to her, I should be able to meet her, right? Right. This is the official PIZZA FUCKING BLOWS sentence. Art, eternally rubbing the metaphorical shoulders of the theoretically attached Synikalle-Caitlin-aphor. "O, sweetpea, I love you, can't you see? Love ya love ya love ya, can't you seeeEeEeeeeEEEeEEEE?" CHOCOLATE CHOCOLATE CHOCOLATE CHOCOLATE CHOCOLATE CHOCOLATE CHOCOLATE CHOCOLATE :) :) :) :) :) LET ME BUST SOME OF THAT SHIT. AND NOW, A SPECIAL MESSAGE FROM EVERYONE'S FAVORITE DISEASE: LYME (AIDS) KICKING IT QUREXXXXX STYLE \ I GOT THE DEAR TICK SYNDROME DEEERRRRR CAITLIN HOOKIN IT UP YEAHHH\ LASER TAG BOOOOOWM YEAHHHHHH DARWIN GRABBING MY KNEEE KAIA YEAH yeahhhh POLAROID POLAROID \YEAH 25999 \29952959259259259 YEAH CAITLIN YEAHHHHHHH JUBJUB GHB I HAVE NO APPIRATION TO ASPIRE TO NYBAR'S OWN LEVEL OF MYSELF, I AM A FELLOW WHO WAS NOT MYSELF I AM THE LYME BUT I WAS NOT WHEN CAESAR RULED STYX SAID, "STOP TALKING ABOUT LASER TAG, FAG" YEAH TRAILING THOUGHTS CAITLIN QUEEN OF THE GIGGLE GRAND OVERLORD OF THE THOUSAND WORLDS OF THE WET CUNT UNDER HER DOMAIN SHE IS THE KING SHE IS THE KING SHE CAN NOT BE THE KING BUT SHE IS THE KING ANJEE HIDES BUT I KNOW WHERE I HAVE FOUND HER WHERE HAVE I FOUND HER? IN THE DOMAIN OF QUAREXXXX SHE HAS THE DOUBLE XXXX CAITLIN YEAH IT IS CAITLIN MAKING HTE LASTER TAG SHE IS THE OVERLORD OF THE EIGHTEEN SEPERATE DOMAINS OF BRITANNIA QUAREXDXXXX LYME DISEASE 28 ORGASMS OR 28 1/2? HE GETS SKINS FROM HERE TO NEW YORK AND I AIN'T TALKING ABOUT PORK YEAH NYBAR HUNDRED OF ORGASMS I JUST WISH I WASN'T YOU BECAUSE YOU CAN NOT BE HE THAT WAS ONCE THE OVERLORD OF THE THOUSAND DOMAINS OF BRITIANNIA OH, OBERLIN, OH GANDALF, OH, OH, OH, OH SWEET RIVENDALE HOW I LONG TO BE BACK UNDER YOUR PROTECTIVE ELVIN GAZE WHERE ALL THE SEXUAL INNEUDO FALLS ON DEAF EARS SWEET RIVENDALE WHERE THE RIVERS ARE RIVEN AND THE SHIVERS ARE SHIVEN WHAT HAPPENED TO ALI? SHE'S NOT IN HER ROOM SHE IS AT THE WA-WA THE WA-WA YEAH THE W-AWA CAITLIN YEAH BACK TO THE DOMAINS OF EIGHTEEN SEGRETATED BERITANNIA JOEL SLAUGHTER IS BROKEN AND THE VEIL REMAINS TATTERED SICKENING SICKENING SICKENING sweet sweet rivendale BURZUM BURZUM YES VARG VIKERNES CAITLIN YES YES AND THEN HE MOUNTED HER LIKE A DOG (DARWIN) THIS IS PARTICULARLY UNPLEASANT. (QUAREX one more time) Will someone tell Mister Poppyseed that I cannot hear him? Thanks. Well, at least I found out that Ingy wanted to be here, but naturally could not at all. Yes, the reason I am 6'4" 250 pounds is fucking skim-ass milk from Wawa. SKIM MOTHER FUCKING MILK. MOTHER FUCKER. Cold-ass shiznit, bizznizzziitititztitz. So the moral of this story is, never ever let someone under the age of 16 drink a lot. Ever. Well, unless you really want to do that. INTENSIFIED BLINKING RED! #ninjachat And, in conclusion, Ashtray Heart is completely nuts, but also certainly the most fascinating human being to ever come out of Tennessee. Or Kentucky. Or wherever he came from. '`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`' "You drink that soymilk?" -by Jamesy I am incredibly tired of ITIC. And it's only 9:30pm Saturday night or so! To think, I Could have gotten THE OBLOID SPHERE done this weekend, and be *that* much closer to being as famous as Cott Lang. It would be have been so much cooler if I had finished Obloid before this con so all of us could have been on Obloid the entire con and posted lots of stupid, stupid messages. Hehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehe. /* MOGEL IS SO FUCKING LAME */ /* HE NEVER LEARNS */ So, I guess that will end up being the concept of dummercon, since there is absolutely nothing else that can be done at dummercon, since it's so damn dumb. I hate this dynamic clique shit. Let's figure out how fucked up the two versions of this file are. '`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`' teerts likes socks. -by: teerts nothing changes, but some stuff does. don't get holes put in yourself. you are here. there are monkeys all about. they like seats. what is the problem with this? monkeys dont sit in seats, of course! underage american-style binge-drinking has its allure, i am sure. of course, the escape found in losing all control and inciting new conflicts or merely manifesting the unseen ones is what draws the youth to drink excessive amounts of alcoholic beverages. here, there are some who are against drinking; for themselves for sure, for all others, mayhap. they have the right idea, but do they feel this way for the right reason? likely not. alcohol, the source and solution to much of life's problems. solution, eh? well, not really, but of course, we all know how relieving it feels to just drink oneself to beligerence whenever one feels down. nimium bibo. me gusta la cerveza, y quiero mas! the relaxing effect of the fizzies present in beer upon the pyloric valve, allows for faster absorption of alcohol by the body in the small intestine. liquor, then beer; it tastes better. church is like a stripclub, tip the dancers. arrogance and consumption. feeding and contact. i like it. no yes. no? please. my socks are wearing away, this makes me sad. -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- That really fuckin pisses me off. People stealing my socks. Assholes. The thing about socks... I just bought a new twelve pairs of so of socks like two weeks ago. Somebody just said "Pink Floyd". I've been here about like eighteen hours and nobody has yet ever sat on my lap. OK, my thought is, it's a good time for drinking. OK, earlier, what we did? Was we played boggle. Here are some of my words: Ash. Myocene. Moat. Let me fix my spelling. Somebody threw something at me. Bastards. Dash. Sad. Hex. Pew. Hep. Toga. Far. Fog. Gor. Goat. More. Yarn. Nor. Moat. Far. Dude, I typed that twice. Stay. Ray. Drat. Drop. Gay. Sarong. Honey brown is a lot better than this. Groan. Oh, man, what time is it? 1:17? Fuck. Last I knew, I was coming down to write some stuff for 2599. I must have fallen asleep. My room is the quietest at the whole con. It is dark. You are likely to be eaten by existential doubt. That's Norton for you. Phil is off getting laid. Has anyone mentioned that Phil Got Laid At The Con? Which leaves me, I feel, wit a sense of responsibility. I am, you see, an altruistic pervert. Last night, Lindsey had nowhere to sleep because her roommate was busy boffing Phil. I'm going to have to find someone to sleep with... Hey! I wrote line 1000 and line 2000! I am so fucking cool! "I'm going to hang out with a zine convention! There's no circle jerks, and there's no chance" I can't hear the rest of it. this evening "they punched some chick's face apparently she had some kind of exposives I think the best porno made" "that game I watched it because it's so fucking cool looking" "when someone pointless movements like the girl gets up and what the fuck does she do? it's just cool looking" "let's call the other rooms and say we're altrocks" "maybe you should just change or something" "you just have nice boobies" so Lindsey has a place to sleep. This is complicated a bit by the fact that I, in fact, ave a superpower only recently discovered. In fact, I'd like to think that everybody at the con is off discovering their own unique superpowers. In this case, my superpower is the uncanny ability to not get laid. You could parachute me in to the country of Sexually Unattached But Heterosexual Women With Raging Libidos (by which, of course, I mean Laos) (somebody just got me a Honey Brown (good) ) and I would still wind up sleeping alone, even if I were the only man in the whole goddamned country. For that matter, you could drop me in the middle of _Fire Maidens From Outer Space_ (please do... those cheerleaders with miniskirts... rrrowr) and I would be completely bereft of all "action". "This beer is like way too easy to drink". Maybe they've read the stuff I wrote hear earlier about the three foot wide dicks and are intimidated. Probalby not. No one has yet come up to me and whispered "Aileron" in my ear. Probably just as well. I'd have to go to bed with them on the spot, most likely. Maybe I'd even have to build a bed. Maybe they've got on to my idiosyncratic religions beliefs. "The Wu-Tang fighting game is going to be amazing, in my opinion." It's never a twosome with me, in that whenever I get some action. "Are you just getting putting random quotes that strike your fancy?" "Getting putting? That's not what I said!" "I'm just gonna shut up now." ..get some action, my entire pantheon (portfolio) of gods likes to tag along for the ride. That's because I have fun gods. Jehovah COULD tag along during sex, but he's too jealous and anal-retentive to do so. Oh, yeah, they say Freud invented anal-retentive, but it was really goddamned Jehovah. Jehovah is one big giant ass. People never draw pictures of him like that. Goddamn, what the fuck is wrong with them? "You're gonna be like that crazy frat bitch." I need to divest my portfolio, btw. Those bastards are getting all the orgasms and I get jack shit. Assholes. Bastards. Perhaps I make myself public property a bit too much for people to feel at home alone with me. I tell everyone everything (case in point: now) pretty much. There is no special knowledge expressible in words that one can have of me. I personally feel that understanding that which I say qualifies one, per se, for "special" status. "aficionado" "and she's not paying attention. I'm so cool." But that, too, is exceeding rare. Remind me to tell you sometime the story of how I got my superpower, and how that Silver Surfer asshole lost his underwear. It's an interesting yarn. In the meantime, though, let me tell you about the best relationship I ever had. I was browsing in the bookstore and made eye contact with this woman.. chick.. girl... It never would have gone beyond that, most likely.. "The three of us are just so much cooler than anyone else.." "yo yo yo I got more coolness in one inch of my dick than all y'all together" "I think like Leah and like altrocks I mean, uh, ashtray heart, do y'all know who's in Mogel's room?" ...if she hadn't come up to me "you're really misquoting me seriously here" and said, "I'm lonely. Will you hold me?" So I did. I went home with her and held her and cuddle with her and kissed her, etc., etc., blah blah woof woof. She never asked me to do more, and I never offered. The next morning we exchanged phone numbers and I left. For the next few months, every couple nights one of us would phone up the other and say "I'm lonely. Would you come over?" The other of us always said yes. We never said anything else to each other. We just held each other. I wish it could have lasted forever. It didn't, of course. Our curiosity got the best of us. Eventually we tried to make a relationship out if it and royall screwed everything up. We found out we had absolutely nothing in common and by rights never should have been together in the first place. But I don't think about that part. There are too many similar (I must reject the urge, inculcated by my growing inebriated state, to reject gratuitous obscenities such as "FUCK FUCK SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT FUCK GODDAMN ALAN KEYES IS MADE OF FUCKING PUKE AND VOMIT AND PLEGM AND TOTAL SEMEN ANAL YES ALAN KEYES HE'S RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT IN THE YEAR 2000 YOU ASSHOLES AND SO ON AND SO FORTH AND MAYBE I SHOULD TAKE MY FINGER OFF THE FUCKING SHIFT KEY ALREADY" and stuff like that) (now where was I? "similar"?) ones in my life. I just think about the bit before it, which was one of the most poetic times in my life. My life is, I find, fairly short on poetry. Some people manage to turn their lives, however sad and sordid, into poetry. They could get drunk and puke all over a couple dogs, and it would be profound and beautiful and poetic. I am a prosaic fellow, a prosaic sort. If I met god, I would not write a 14-line sonnet about the beauty of the transcendent. I would say something like "I met God. He had lousy taste in footwear." Which is not exactly profound. Speaking of poetry, here's a short poem about emasculation. Styx will laugh at this, because he knows what this is a parody of. The guy sitting next to me whose name I can't remember because I suck with names will probably have no fucking clue what I'm talking about. But that's OK. Somebody just said "Ashtray Heart" and people keep taking pictures of me, but I have to type in my really damn tacky poem before somebody else can type, even though my beer (not beef) is getting warm. Kind old King George sent father a note when he heard my penis was gone. It was, I recall, in the form of a dildo (form of.. A DILDO!), with realistic balls and all. I found it one day in a drawer of old pornography hidden away. (The usual stuff- magazines, videos, and the ubiquitous "Spartacus" catalogs. Incidentally, can anyone more knowledgable than me fill me in on some Avengers trivia? The only non diaper-fetish vid they had in the Spartacus catalog was a video of the AVengers.. the episode entitled "The House that Jack Buitl". I later saw this episode, and it was perfectly innocuous. But I have heard certain... rumours.. about it and various controversies. Given that The Avengers was the most bondage-laden show in the entire history of television, I am quite curious. Can anyone fill me on in this?) ("Bondage- good, and good for you." Yes, I will take bondage over milk. Certainly over milk bondage. Unless we're talking about mammaries and tit bondage and shit, but this is getting too fucking hardcore so I'll just continue with my story and not go on tangents like dental floss bondage and shit.) And my crotch still grows damp to recall that His Majesty signed in his own dried semen. It was dark all around! Our balls dragged on the ground! When my penis broke free! And no dick survived from the Royal Fusilliers Company C... They were all left behind, most of them dead, the rest of them shriveled (shriveled).. And that's how the High Command took my penis from me. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Okay, i can do text files. This is a text file about harvey. he sent ripples of pleaure throughout my body, Tasha didn't seem to be able to finish the file.. she's playing boggle now. Hi, altrocks here... :) Anyway, this con is quite interesting now. Jamesy is as big of an asshole as I thought, but he's not all that bad... Aids is actually not as big an ass- hole as I thought, but he's not all that tollerable. Damned delawarians. Mogel is very antisocial, tasha is beyond inebriated, Leah is a quite interesting person, and ashtray heart is now the funniest man I've ever met. `six` got her cartiledge pierced today. there was a cool painting in the peircing room called Angry Cunt. I wish I had a picture of it because it was definitely angry, and it was most certainly a cunt. Me and carlos are trying to stay as benign as possible while still having fun, but me being me, it's a little harder. Anyway, itting ehre has made me sick, so I'm gonna get going. Later hoes ! `'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`' I Suck -hardcore Hi, I Suck. Bye Now. `'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`' Moral Dilema -jubz Hi, jubz here again. I have a moral dilema. Jamesy and AIDS seem to be making fun of AltRocks pretty badly. I feel bad for him. But, then again, he is pretty irritating. Oh well, I guess I will just sit here and enjoy my high. Bye. `'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`' Harry S. Truman's Life, the Continuation -Nybar Hello. I suppose you are all waiting for me to continue the file that I started writing earlier. Well, I am sorry, but I don't have the time and I certainly don't have the inclination to continue it. I was compelled to write; this is the sum total of that file. This file is better though. I swear. No more lies, no more BS, this is it: the essential Nybar. The fact is: I have no connection with the 'zine scene. When I find myself disgusted by real life and the minds inside my range, I usually play some obsessive, hyper-competitive game such as chess. Roughly 6.2% of the time (usually when Jubjub is around), I will write for an e-zine. `'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`' A Kooky Crazy Thang -Nybar + Tasha Nybar's boxeras have tylenol geltabs on them. I am borrowing them from Jubjub\. Are they gel-tabs, or bullet casings? The priest stood at his altar and explained to us the song of solomon. "Llana, let us slip out again" I implored in her ear "I can't stand being next to you for so long without an embrace." "But what about the mother superior, Anna?" she replied. "Don't worry... I think we can take care of her." I said with a chuckle. And witht hat the three girls slipped out of the chapel and into their own rooms in the small all-girl catholic school. "Do you want me to work my magic now, dear?" she asked. I was rapt, and ecstaticly awaiting the pleasure. But I had to hold out. "No... wait until our partner arrives." Suddenly, three short, sharp knocks. I opened the door with a kinky smile on my face, and the Mother Superior, Helga, walked in. "I am going to enjoy this." she said. Llana grabbed at the habit that was covering Helga's body, while Llana slipped her slender, pre-pubescent hand into Helga's rough cotton underwear. Soon the three small girls were swarming around the chaste nun, pleasuring her from all directions and angles; an orchestra of tongues, fingers and groaning. Then, it was the Mother's turn. The Mother decided to show her kinky side and hit the play button stereo conveniently located in the room. As the slow sounds of CAPTAIN BEEFHEART engulfed the room, the Mother slid off her brown socks and began to pull the unflattering habit off of her middle aged--and saggy--body. She violently ripped the ridiculous uniform off of Anna, the miniature nymphet with no hints of curves or higher development. As Helga began orally pleasuring her, she cried "Am I experiencing The Rapture, mother?" Helga smiled and replied "Not yet." as she shoved her thumb up Anna's ass, while using the other hand to finger Llana's hairless hole. While the Mother was wondering if Llana's "hole" was hairless due to shaving or just not growing hair at all, Llana answered her question by pulling out a razor and dragging the Mother off into the shower. As Helga and Llana were fucking with masochistic glee in the shower, Anna and Sue were spread on the bed in orgiastic glee. Suddenly, a loud, authoritative knock on the door! Anna SCREAMED. Suddenly, NYBAR KICKED IN THE DOOR, assisted by THE POPE. The Pope yelled "Have you sinned, children?!" "Yes, yes we have!" Anna and Sue wailed. Hearing the disturbance, the Mother Superior and Llana burst out of the bathroom. "I... I am so sorry." said the Mother Superior. "Who'd of thunk it, you know? It's... the pope and Nybar. The two men with the largest cocks on earth." "And thickest." added The Pope. Suddenly, Tasha walked in, "TOTALLY!" She verified Nybar's and The Pope's statement about their penises. "Tasha!" Anna cried in her catholic school girl state of pleasure, "Please join us in pleasuring the Mother Superior..." "B...b...b...b...but what will THE POPE think about that?" Tasha was worried about her position in heaven after having mad amounts of lesbian action with the three catholic school girls and the Mother Superior. "God will not mind, as long as you offer ablution, my child." said the Pope. What Llana now realized about The Pope is that he was holding an impressive Cat-O-Nine Tails in his hand. "Get down on your knees" said Nybar "and pray." As Nybar unsheathed his enormous rod and slid it in and out of Helga's sweet ass, The Pope disciplined the girls, who seemed to enjoy the 'lesson'! After the end of this steamy lovemaking session, Helga asked if they were now cleansed. "Not quite yet," The Pope replied, "you must kneel on the altar and repent for your sins before The Lord." With a kinky smile on their faces, they washed up and then strolled into Chapel. The Pope used his authority to disperse all inside, so they had it to themselves. Anna, Helga, Llana and Sue kneeled before the altar and prayed as Nybar and The Pope assaulted them from every angle with their enormouse cocks; spanking them and whipping them (with the whips and the cocks); having them up the ass and up every other orifice. Tasha was also there, cheering them on. As Tasha shook her blue and red pom-poms, the girls moaned and moaned, as they lost their virginity in this all-out altar-fucking bliss. "OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Anna cried and grabbed at the crucifix as The Pope shoved his dick in her anus. "That just looks so pleasureful, Anna." Llana was clearly jealous and was bent over, silently begging The Pope to shove his Godly manhood in her oh-so-tight-and-young ass, "OH POPEEEEEEEEEEEEEE, IT'S MY TURN NEXT... YES, BABY, SPRINKLE THAT HOLY WATER ON MY NIPPLES!" Tasha sat on the side, smiling a serene smile as she watched the three girls, old nun and Pope enjoy themselves. Suddenly, as Tasha was smiling innocently off to the side of this all-out orgy, Nybar appeared out of the corner and threw her over one of the pews! As Nybar deflowered her with his enormous shaft, The Pope was nearly done with the girls and the nun. "Oh Pope, have I been saved yet?" asked Llana "Not yet, young one." replied The Pope, "I said you'd have to offer absolution under the eyes of The Lord, and I meant it!" Suddenly, the earth shook, the windows rattled, and all the birds on the chapel fled. A bolt of lightning, and God Himself was standing before them, wearing only a loin-cloth and glowing with divine light. "Dude! The birds are chirping! Oh my! GOD!" Tasha was amazed. Tasha was also extremely drunk. Meanwhile, God Himself prepared to personally discipline those who had commited the sin of fucking and sucking. He stripped off his loincloth to reveal his flaccid 40 foot penis, which immediatly grew to full 100 foot erection. He fatally impaled all of the women (including Tasha) with his enormous cock, but they didn't mind. They'd always have a special place in heaven. `'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`' "Wow" - by Jamesy This is almost certainly a parallel universe I accidentally stumbled upon. Sliders was such a stupid idea. We "slide" through different changes of ora o3o uck fuck nevermind I can at least type backtick tick a lot `'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`' "I threw up at the con" - by `Six` See what happend is Brad made me laugh and I was swallowing... ALCOHOL.. pervert. So I was drinkin mah fly Boones Farm Apple Wine Beverage and Brad made me laugh so I got sick. Then I brushed my teeth and I felt better. Shortly after I returned to Phairgirl's suite and the devil (Quarex) was on my shoulder saying Ali drink drink drink drink drink more apple wine beverage. Anjee's dad had a bra on his head.. FOR REAL. But AIDS was nice so I'm upset. He's standing right next to this chair but he doesn't know that I'm typing about how he sucks. In conclusion.. There is none. `'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`' "33 people in one suite" -by miasma There are 33 people in this suite. In one corner, we have the flaccid ball playing hackeysackers. On one side of the room, we have Ashtray Heart falling asleep. It is quite humorous. Perhaps he'll drool. Perhaps he won't. It's all up to the entertainment gods of ITIC. Next to him sits AltRocks. He is coughing. It has NOTHING to do with my classic line. Have no fear. Some other people are just bumming around. It's sorta mellowing out. `Six` is chilling on the chair next to me. All in all, I think the con is a supposed success. Now on to a totally different topic. Iguana's annoy the hell out of me. There truly is not real explaination behind this fact. I wasn't anally raped by one when I was three (at least not to my knowledge). It didn't have any other sort of traumatic experience. Maybe its just a lizard thing. Reptilian thing. Anything cold-blooded and full of scales just has to be one rude ass son of a bitch. I'll stop cursing soon fucking enough. A short poem -: I shall slowly pass through elephant groves and watch the junipers fly in a world renowned with shit and flies. and flies. flies. FLIES. Tickle me pink and other colors of my fucking ra in bow. I can read between the lines. Can you see inside the space? Can you live? Do I dare? I say, do I dare? My universe in a little round ball. It's like terror only better. Sleep tight don't let the bed bugs bite. @end short poem Short people got good reason to smile. `'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`' more stupid shit by neko ao it's like 1am. i'm kinda drunk. darwin smoked me up via shotgun. yeah. today i went to zipperhead. i also heard california dreamin' on the jukebox at the restaurant we ate at for lunch. almost a complete dead milkmen song. if only i'd met a punk rock girl who'd almost knocked me dead. for some reason the doors are on now, and that remind me of door games. barneysplat sure was cool. but for a door game that didn't crash every five minutes, you couldn't beat tradewars 2002. man that game was elite. or lord (i can't remember what that stands for, maybe lord of the red dragons or something. but it was pretty elite. someone just said they could hear our room in mogel's room. people are singing along to the doors. someone named backwards apostrophe six backwards apostrophe is smoking a cigarette. for some reason we're sleeping at murmur's house tomorrow. apparently he is engaged. it was news to me, but nobody else cared. fuckin fuck, motherfucker. bbs' were pretty elite. the internet sucks. fuck everyone. :) love, neko (ps: underage chicks sure are a temptation, if they'd only look at me!!!!) -=-=-=-=-+_=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- Listen up, you fucking maggots! By: Wendy the Antichrist, Quarex's alter-ego. Ha ha, just kidding, Quarex actually wrote this file! Ha ha! HAHAHA! AHAHHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHA MY GOD THIS IS SO FUCKING FUNNY Anyway, let me see. What the hell is going on anymore. Well, for one thing, everything is completely fucked up. But that is nothing new. I love this con. Everything about it is good. It gives me more faith in humanity. No, seriously, it really does. I have gotten along really well with everyone here, and realized that there really are cool people outside of central Illinois! AS AMAZING AS THAT MAY SOUND! So, what am I trying to say here? I LOVE YOU GUYS! EVEN THOSE OF YOU WHO WERE NOT HERE! EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU WHO IS READING THIS! I LOVE ALL OF YOU! AHAHAHAHAH! AHAHAHAHAHHAHH!Q!#$*&$#! FUCKI YOU! AKJFsah Okay, so anyway, enough of that. They are wiping up beer on the couch now. I am actually quite amazed that nobody has spilled beer on any of the furniture until now. I have contemplated a lot of things at this con. FRIGGIN LAPTOPS! CHRIST! HOW THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO MAKE PEOPLE REALIZE HOW FUCKING FAST I TYPE IF THEY CANNOT EVEN SEE ME TYPING FAST? WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?! FUCK YOU! Okay. Sorry about that. You know, I do not even know what the hell this file is for. Is there a zine called 2599 or something? I mean, what the hell is this? What I have actually been contemplating is something rather amusing in itself. Why I am talking about this here, instead of, you know, telling people who might actually care, is beyond me. However, it may have a lot to do with the fact that I am sitting about 200 feet above ground in a city I have never been to before, having spent a day and a half hanging out with a lot of people I never saw before, and yet got along with great. Maybe I get along with everyone great. Hell if I know. Anyway, ironically, while all this activity was going on here, my attention at some point ended up focusing entirely on two people who are not even remotely close to the con. My ex-girlfriend and her boyfriend. Not to name names. PezMonkey abruptly told me that they were in the habit of having sex. This means that I won the bet I had with her, which stated whoever had sex first lost. So, Quarex, where the fuck are you going with this? Simple. If my ex-girlfriend, the one person on the planet I felt completely on the level with in terms of my moral values, has had sex, then what the fuck is wrong with me? Why the fuck am I living this moronic denial of human sexuality? Well, whatever sort of metaphorical reinforcement I had holding up my theoretical wall of dignity came crashing down upon the receipt of that news. Well, more specifically, a few hours after hearing that news, while I laid on the carpeted floor of a pitch black room in which Seaya was sleeping in the only bed. I was not kept awake by the din from the main room of the suite, as I can ignore a lot of noises to get to bed. However, I could not ignore the voice of reason. I will now officially be lynched for using such an idiotic sentence as "I could not ignore the voice of reason." Okay, so goddammit already, Quarex, get to the fucking point. THE FUCKING POINT IS THIS--I have had this bullshit idea for just about the entire time I have been attracted to women that I should not have sex, for a few reasons. One, the reason I always stated, which was that I really do hate humanity in general, even though I love people I meet. Secondly, the reason I never mentioned, was a dual reason. Firstly, I am pretty much terrified of sex, of the act itself, of the potential aftermath, the change in the relationship, everything about it. It just freaks me the fuck out. Okay, and granted, the fact that it is not terribly easy for me to get a date let alone sex has something to do with it. But now, fuck it. I am now officially just another typical big, bad, blonde dude who loathes alcohol, cigarettes, caffeine, and all other drugs. You read it here first. Unless I told you in real life first. Or if you never read it here at all. Whatever the case may be, sex is fine by me. Okay, well, not fine by me. It is still a horrible, horrible thing. If you give yourself to someone, they can take everything that defines you away. I have a major problem with that. But I have to give up. So, FUCK REASON! This is officially completely out of place in this zine. And the best part is, I bet like 5 people will even read this. Oh well. There is always real life. I have a voice. '`'`''`''`''`'`'`''`''`''`''`'`'`''`''`''`''`'`'`''`''`''`''`'`'`'`'`'`ss taaasha is silly. by teerts tasha got sillydrunk. she is decidedly shady. yay. (Quarex's note: Yes. Very true.) -------------------- BLATANTLY PADDING FOR SPACE By: Teerts & Quarex (Q) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) (T) i like boobs. where are the boobs? hey, do you have any boobs? drew hates nancy. who is nancy? seaya wants to type away here. however, we are blatantly padding for space. wow, this sucks, i used the title in the body. mmm.....words. bytesbytesbytes. `'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`' (Belial) I didn't bother reading all that shit above me, but it doesn't matter because what I'm writing is all that REALLY counts. I think I'll do some art, first: gggggsssssggggg gggggsssssggggg gggggsssssggggg gggggsssss$$$$$ $$$$$ $$$$$ $$$$$ $$$$$ $$$$$ $$$$$ $$$$$ $$$$$ gggggsssss$$$$$ $$$$$sssssggggg $$$$$ $$$$$ $$$$$ $$$$$ $$$$$ gsssssssssg $$$$$ $$$$$ $$$$$ $$$$$ $$$$$ $$$$$ $ at ITIC $ $$$$$ $$$$$ $$$$$ $$$$$ $$$$$ $$$$$ $$$$$ $$$$$ $$$$$ $$$$$ $$$$$ $$$$$ ggggg ggggg $$$$$ $$$$$sssss$$$$$ $$$$$sssss$$$$$ $$$$$sssss$$$$$ $$$$$sssss$$$$$ sssssssss $$$$$ sssssssss $$$$$ c a n ' t r e a d i t ? t h e n y o u c a n d i e ! @ # ! :: Newsflash :: "HTML should not be a class, it should be a pamphlet." -- AshtrayHeart That's an ASCII. I'm in the ANSI art group, BLADE. I am VERY elite, thank you. I am going to waste some space here, because... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... THIS IS LINE 2599!!! Yes, that makes me one k-rad dude! HOE MUST DIE!!! READ BOMB!!! BLISTERS ON MY BUTT! WWW.ALT164.COM/BOMB/ ^^^- that's the spanish N Love!!! **BIG HUG** Belial (the quiet dude from New Jersey) ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Sex with Cat People by seaya There's a store in Chicago near g0ff's house called "That's Rentertainment" which is a video store. Now you might think a store with such a name would be bad, but it isn't. It has anime, hentai, weird movies, and such. It's a pretty rad store. It even has wacked out pseudo-porn movies. One such movie is "Sex with Cat People". g0ff's friends will rent it for him one day. I was once on a mailing list, I forget what for. But people on this list were talking about bestiality. Many were saying "no, no, no, animals can never have consensual sex. They are not sentient beings!!!!!" Then this one woman sent an email which made me unsubscribe I think. Subject: re: consentual animal sex I don't know why you all are so uptight. I sit naked with my legs spread and my cat comes up and licks my pussy, cause she thinks it tastes good. I have multiple orgasms from this, and it's completely consentual. Also my brother has had sex with a horse before, from behind. He rubs his dick against the horse and the horse gets excited. Then he fucks him hard and the horse spurts. So this is also consentual. I grew up on a farm and a lot of the guys around would fuck sheep for kicks. I guess they did it wrong and raped the poor things. If only they had done it consentually. Marlene Needless to say, this wasn't something I liked reading. Cat people probably could consent I guess. I'd like to see that movie, but no cat's gonna lick my pussy. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- more bullshit by neko as of 2.57am est (1.02 am goff's computer), seaya is the fucking elitest person on the planet. the least elite person on the planet is, of course, altrocks. i didn't really have any problem with him before i met him, but man, yeah. as of 2.59 am seaya is still fucking elite. mogel is apologizing, but quarex is dumb!@$#$!@$#!#@$! wow, that looks neat. my goal is to NOT talk about ITIC at all in this tfile because then i am ruining my chance to write a HoE file about ITIC. but i have to say that SEAYA is elite and ALTROCKS is not. ELiTE, PHiLADELPHiA. aNJee's dad is ELiTE. Altrocks is not. now things are inconvenient becuase they don't make sense and like i am developing carpal tunnel syndrome and stupid people are talking and playing shitty music and my heart says yeah: yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah; yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah; yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah; etc. we are driv ing to murmur's house tomorrow for some reason. Altrocks just called Mogel a monkey and MOgel told Altrocks to kiss his ass. Fuckign yeah, it';s about time. Fuck ITIC because it'll make a better hoe file than an extinct 2599 file. Yeah. Seaya is elite. Maybe I should bust out my sleeping bag and hope someone joins me in it, even though it is incredibly unlikely. Last night I was getting this big hard on and I was thinking about trying to flirt with XXXXXXXXXXXX (god, I hope that's not as many letters as her nick) and then later I decided not to. Today drunk or sober I am glad I decided not to let my hard on think for me and instead blah. Fuck the place we ate lunch at because it gave me the shits. But that's all over now, so I think I am going to attempt to sleep after I finish my beer and smoke a cigarette. PS: aster doesn't exist. love, neko -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= When I type a review, it will be the funniest fucking thing ever. By: Quarex, again. Hi.!? Hi.?! Hi?!. Hi?.! Hi!?. Hi!.? Oh, yeah, this thing. "Ow, my boob. That was the best hug I've gotten today." Indeed. Quite. Certainly. Most assuredly. No fuckin' shit. Quarex sucks, cause his head causes massive reverberations within the suite. :) `Altrocks ------------------------ trilobyte hey trilobyte hasn't written on this laptop to write a textfile before. see there are people on the east coast who like to work at gas stations. they sell alcohol and cigarettes to kids who want to put these substances in their bodies. but see, then these chemicals leave the kids' bodies, and the kids move on to ride their bikes down the interstate. there are turn lanes which serve the purpose of providng the bikes with a place to travel. kids on bikes sometimes drink beer on the east coast, because the east coast is a good place to drink beer. without the middle east, meaning ohio and illinois, there would be no beer in america. the grains that make the beer grow in illinois and other states in the middle east. then there is canada which lets its children grow up and love 80s music. i love 80s music, i have many memories which are brought forward by listening to 80s music. they aren't memories from the 80s necessarily, because i was barely conscious during that period. they are more along the lines of memories from recently, involving girls, because so many of my damned memories involve girls. the only problem is that i don't really like girls. no, that's a lie. i like girls, i don't like my bad memories about girls. and all good memories about girls leave to bad memories about girls. that is why memories are _memories_. it's because they're in the _past_. that means that these girls were in the past portion of my life, not really the current portion of my life. they're not in the current portion of my life anymore but they make cameos by coming up in my fucking memories. and they aren't in the current portion anymore because they've left. so i think about the good times, then i remember the bad times when they left my life. that's memories. so people talk about computer stuff. see, there's this thing called a computer, and only some people are able to hold conversations about them, because only some people know about them. so anyway. ---trilobyte--- is here, he's on the motherfucking laptop, and this is an ibm computer, and therea re people who worked for ibm who would have to sing the IBM song and they were dumb people!! they were salesmen and got their haircuts from the fucking company, like sheep who are shaved by the man who raises them. and man, these salesmen would walk through the fucking hallways of IBM, and there would be these people telling them where to go, like shepherds, and jesus is a shepherd, and jesus would tell people where to go with their lives. the managers at IBM were the jesus of the people who worked at ibm, and also the barber. --trilobyte-- is the man at the keyboard, which doesn't rhyme, but this ain't no poem, and i can't freestyle rap so it makes no difference. people talk about exactly how many lines this t-file is but it doesn' tmatter because i type way too fucking fast and i will add a hell of a lot of lines to it. i don't think this laptop is getting to hot. so rob, the 8 year old, was hanging out on the porch of his house. it was a very old house. it was built before world war two, which was when a lot of people died for our country. his grandfather, who was in the war, was sitting on the porch with him, drinking beer. "i get so fuckin' sick of all these damned cripples walking down the street," rob's grandfather said. "i don't see what's so bad about them," rob replied. they sat and stared at the sunset. before the sun had set, it shined on rob's legs, making them feel as if they were burning, and the cells in his skin were begging to be moved to some other place where they were at a lower temperature. when you have a fever, you don't want to be there. you want to be somewhere else. and rob wanted to be somewhere else, because he was so fucking sick of his fucking grandfather insulting anyone who didn't fit into his ideals of the people who were ideal members of society. he didn't go to war at world war two to defend all of america. he wanted to make sure that it didn't become some sort of ghetto for fucking minority motherfuckers. he didn't want any of those fuckers to move over to america and take over his homeland. he kept america for himself and for the people just like him. so just because the fucking retards are born, that means that america is going downhill, and that people aren't pure anymore. rob didn't have that idea. school taught rob that all people in america were worthy of living there, because they are all people, and all people in america deserve to be free. being free involves being able to do whatever you want, including living in america. so it's a very roundabout kind of infinitive snake-eating-the-snake's-tails kind of place. "why don't you shut the fuck up, you old man," 8-year-old rob asked his 85-year-old grandfather. his grandfather sat there silently. "i mean, you hate everyone. why do you go around saying you like this fucking country so much if you hate everyone in it? not everybody's exactly like you. it's not like that anymore," rob told him. "let me tell you something," rob's grandfather told rob. "i remember a time when everything was what i wanted. i wanted it, other people wanted it, and it all worked out. now, i've gotten older, and other people have changed what they want. what they want is no longer what i want. and it's a bit too hard for me to deal with. i'm so old now. everything's so different now. can't i think about those old times anymore?" "you can have your memories," rob replied. "but you know that those times are gone, and you just have to move on. you have to allow yourself to accept the other stuff that's going on now. it's gotta be hard, to change after all these years, but it doesn't matter, because you're an old man and you're going to die soon anyway." silence. ... "yeah, you're right. and i think you've got the idea. but kid, when the world shapes you into a certain man, you can't go back to where you were before. because you haven't left this world. rob, i'm leaving this world. it ain't going to be so long. if i want to remember all the great times that i used to have, i'm going to sit here and remember the damn times. i can look at that road and see back to when it was gravel. i can see those trees and remember when they used to be corn. i was happier back then, rob. i was feeling good. i was living good... i can go back. rob, that's my world." "why do you want all the people you see these days to act like people in your world? why can't you accept them as being in a different world?" "they're not in a different world, rob. they're in my sight... i could go touch them, i could go talk to them. i could change their life, they could change mine. they're there, they're in my world. then they act like someone from a different world. i don't like that, it fucks me up! i don't like that..." he takes a sip of his beer. he looks at the road. he probably sees people who aren't there. rob's world has changed. ---- ---- ------- -- ----- that's interference, that's when you're changing channels on television, that's when there's nothing quite tuned in and the television is trying to focus in on the ideas. there are a lot of channels in the air. the tv could focus in on any of them. you can choose. or you can auto-tune. or you can hand the fuckign remote to your god-damned deadbeat husband who just sits around and drinks beer and watches that damned box all the time. he's got hair on his belly, you know. he grew it when he was fifteen years old. some kids grew it before him and some kids grew it after. but he grew it at 15. and then he shaved it off. he was a swimmer and couldn't have any extraneous hair on his body because it held him back from swimming at full speed. that was back when he did a hell of a lot of physical activity, you know, but that just isn't the case anymore. his case is beer. and tv. and dumb stuff being fed to him. that's what he's all about, and his chair, he likes that chair. and you do your own thing and HE MIGHT AS WELL BE FUCKING GLUED TO THAT GOD DAMNED PIECE OF FURNITURE. DO YOU FEEL LIKE A FUCKING PIECE OF FURNITURE? DO YOU GET SAT ON? THERE ARE INDIAN PEOPLE AROUND. THERE ARE. THEY ARE COOL. I DON'T NEED TO OFFEND THEM BECAUSE THEY ARE GOOD PEOPLE AND GOOD PEOPLE DONT' NEED TO BE OFFENDED. THEY HAVEN'T ASKED FOR IT. THEY DON'T DESERVE IT. THEY DESERVE SEX TO MAKE THEM HAPPY. SEX == HAPPY. JUST ENDLESS DUMB HAPPY SEX ALL THE FUCKING TIME IN A LARGE APARTMENT WITH ROUND FURNITURE AND BRIGHT YELLOW AND ORANGE WALLS. IT MAKES PEOPLE HAPPY, THAT'S WHY PEOPLE IN THE 70S WERE JUST SOME SORT OF DUMB HAPPY ALL THE TIME. THIS WHITE SHIT MAKES YOU REFLECT ON YOUR OWN LIFE, AND THINK ABOUT YOUR OWN PROBLEMS, BECAUSE THERE ARE NO OTHER OUTSIDE INFLUENCES CHANGING YOUR MOODS. THAT SHIT NEEDS TO BE REMOVED. REMOVE WHITE. REPLACE ORANGE AND YELLOW. BE FUCKING HAPPY, AMERICAN FOLKS. ---- - -------- ----- -------------------- --------------------------------------- there are old buildings on top of me and they are crushing me in the chest. they are causing me much pain, like neil tenant has felt when his gay lover has fucked him up the ass (in a bad way). but this is on my chest. i had a lot of time to think because i couldn't move anywhere, with these buildings on my chest. so i thought about stuff, and realized that i could do something to remove them. i realized that i could #)%&*!#%&*(*&#@hDFH hoD H: HDH ;of in order to get rid of the buildings off my chest. so i took them off and stood up and thought "wow, that was fucking great. i can stand up." the buildings had been on my chest since baltimore was built. from now until then is a very long time.... some of the buildings had windows and some of them had people. a lot of them had apartments, and some of those apartments had refrigerators, and most had toilets. most had sinks, except for the ones that had been broken, and a lot of them had coat racks where coats would be hung up when people came in from the outside. i would feel every god damned movement that each one of those people made. they made their movements on me. the only thing separating them from me was a small amount of metal, cement, and wood. the only thingSS separating YOu from Me are ANOTHER PERSON, ANOTHER LIFE, and ANOTHER SENSE OF RESPONSIBILITY. it's time to GET OVER ALL OF IT. realize that YOU'RE LIVING IN AN APARTMENT STACK BUILT UPON MY CHEST. MY CHEST IS THE FOUNDATION FOR YOUR FUCKING BUILDING. SEE THE STUPID HAIRS CURLING AROUND THAT ARE ALL STUPID AND IMMATURE? THAT'S BECAUSE YOU'RE STUPID AND NEED TO GET OVER THE MATERIALISM AND RETARDEDNESS OF YOUR PAST LIFE AND REALIZE THAT YOU NEED TO LIVE IN THE FUTURE AND THE NOW. AND YOU CAN SEE EXACTLY HOW GOOD IT IS AND CONTINUE WITH IT, LIKE A STUPID HAT ON A DUMB FAT PERSON (not all fat people are dumb) AND YOU CAN CONTINUE ON YOUR BIKE RIDE ALONG THE PIECE OF CEMENT, WHICH GOES NEXT TO ANOTHER PIECE OF CEMENT, AND IF YOU TURN TOO HARD TO THE LEFT, MY FUCKING CAR WILL RUN YOU OVER ON YOUR FUCKING BIKE AND YOUR LEGS WILL BE BROKEN AND YOUR ARMS WILL HURT BAD AND YOU WILL BE BLEEDING SO MUCH THAT YOU WON'T BE ABLE TO SEE OUT OF YOUR EYES, AND THEN YOU WILL BE SO UNCONSCIOUS AND DEAD THAT YOU WILL BE ABLE TO SEE LESS OUT OF YOUR EYES. NOT BEING ABLE TO SEE OUT OF YOUR EYES IS A SAD THING. THEY ARE THE ONLY THING YOU CAN SEE OUT OF. I'M GOING TO SIGN OFF NOW, I WAS TRILOBYTE, AND I WAS IN PHILADELPHIA IN A ROOM WITH OTHER PEOPLE WHO WERE TALKING AND I WAS DISTRACTED BUT MY AMIGA IS IN MY ROOM AND I CAN GO TYPE MORE THERE. `'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`' "i will not write a HOE file in 2599, although it certainly most likely shall resemble one in design, rambling, and pointlessness because editing HOE has turned my brain to mush and forced me to forget any semblance of writing ability that i may have once had" --phairgirl ITIC is over. It took me an entire hour to read this whole file, skipping the things that I had already read. I am in Indiana, Pennsylvania, while mr. g0ff does Real Work (tm) and I ponder my existence, or something quite similar, I'm sure. I am also trying not to describe my vacation, my voyage, or my opinions, or pretty much anything that has anything at all to do with ITIC, for fears that I may spoil the chances of writing anything of consequence for HOE without becoming repetitive. Indiana, Pennsylvania is stupid for three reasons: 1. There are almost no gas stations. 2. The town looks like a schizophrenic civil engineer had one last project before his eventual rest in a state-financed mental institution. 3. There are no street lights. NONE. Someting else scared me, now that I am thinking about it: of all the places I've traveled, this week and even otherwise, I have yet to find a place with more cable channels in the hotel rooms than we have in Iowa. Here, there may be 57 channels and nothing on, but in Iowa, we have 78 channels and nothing on. Now, a brief essay about the South Park movie. First of all, I, like most people that hate every movie ever made, had very low expectations for the film. Rule number one in film critique is that if a film is based on a television show, it will most likely suck SO HARD that you will lose your brain to the theatre floor. However, with the multitudinous options in Indiana like "American Pie," "Tarzan," and "Big Daddy," there was little doubt about what was worthy of viewing. Side note: I travel almost 1000 miles from home to go to a theater that is owned by the same horrid cinema monopoly in Iowa that prevents us from getting any kind of variety in our hickly town. The most fascinating part of the film were the film trailers before the actual movie: as was discussed in the theater, generally when seeing a comedy film, you expect to see comedy film trailers. Instead, we were greeted with previews for a black male version of Waiting to Exhale and YET ANOTHER STUPID MOVIE featuring JULIA ROBERTS. Have I ever mentioned my SEVERE DISLIKING for Julia Roberts? The only thing that could have made that trailer more frightening is if the movie also featured Richard Gere. OH FUCK. Look, it's Richard Gere and Julia Roberts, in ANOTHER MOVIE TOGETHER, as if the world could get any more frightening. I must die now. Once the sheer horror of the trailers finally ended, the film actually began. Amazing, yes I know. The first thing I noticed about South Park was that it was completely hilarious. The television show has been ever-steadily going downhill, and it was refreshing to see the whole children-swearing thing be funny all over again. The second thing I noticed (and I notice this a lot when watching the television show) is that there were many jokes for the intellectual and observational crowd. Sometimes I feel stupid when I'm the only person who laughs at a joke in a theater because everyone else in the theater are "Look, they swear, South Park is cool" types, but at the same time, I feel much better about myself even though I have not finished college. If I'm the only one who finds Sodium Pentathol funny, let it be. Side note: To all those bastards who wrote earlier about crappy 80's music, well let me tell ya something buddy: I learned what Sodium Pentathol was from ANTHRAX. So THERE. Honestly, there's not much more to say about the South Park movie, because, well, it was the South Park movie, and it was very South Parky. My next film that I will see will be American Pie. I will see it with stupid Dubuque people who will most assuredly make me feel far more intelligent than they are. As many can plainly see, I have a severe complex where I feel the need to be smart. This is because my kindergarten teacher told my parents that I wasn't any smarter than any of the other kids and didn't need any special programs. Someday, I will kill my old kindergarten teacher, because she is a stupid old lady: Ms. Hanson didn't think it was relevant that I already knew how to read when I started kindergarten. Ms. Hanson didn't think it was important that I knew some multiplication. NO. I WAS STUPID LIKE EVERYONE ELSE. See, I'm weird (keep that in mind) and I used to get really pissed off because I would get my math assignments done really fast and therefore when I put my workbook away, it was always near the bottom of the pile, so the NEXT time we had math, I had to wait a year and a half to get my workbook. Anyway, one day I decided that I really wanted my workbook on top so that NEXT time, I would get it first! That would be so cool! So I finished my assignment, but instead of turning it in, I went back and crossed out the wrong answers on the sheet. That still didn't kill enough time, so I looked at the picture examples and circled the right pictures. Some kids STILL WEREN'T DONE, so I crossed out the wrong picture examples. Then I retraced the page number about twelve times and erased my name and wrote it super-neatly. FINALLY, I turned it in. You know what that bitch did? Ms. Hanson put a BIG FROWNY FACE on my paper and held it up to the class to show them that I did not follow the directions properly! I HATE HER SO MUCH! And for the rest of my life now I must show the world that I can follow directions, because I AM NOT STUPID and I DO NOT GET FROWNY FACES. Anyhow, I have to give Mr. Teerts a lot of respect for going to the University in this town, because it is so silly bass-ackwards (you know that means something when the comment comes from an Iowan) and decidedly unexciting, unless you really feel the need to see the Jimmy Stewart museum. Ummm, okay. That's plenty much. `'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`' -eof. really.